Post by Aaron Warthog on May 17, 2023 13:55:52 GMT -5
Things come into a black-and-white view as we see the skyline of Charlotte, North Carolina... circa 1989.
Slowly, color bleeds into the photo, even as the shot moves in towards it, showing that it's no longer a photo: it's a current feed of the city 34 years ago. The entire roster of Thunder Pro Wrestling has been transported back in time, to prepare for one of the most epic shows imaginable: RetroMania. But even with the wrestlers moved to the past, some are still dealing with what's to come in their future... and how to avoid it.
The shot continues to zoom in, taking us towards a very large man, making his way down the sidewalk of one of the streets. He nods at a few passers-by, who look at his unusual look with wide eyes. More than one decides to cross the street, staying away from such a monster. Aaron Warthog doesn't look concerned about it, though, as he's lived with that all his life. He still smiles at one lady, who immediately screams and runs away, with Warthog raising an eyebrow before continuing forward. As he does so, Warthog turns to the camera, breaking the fourth wall as he grins at everyone watching.
Aaron Warthog - Can y'all believe it?? Ah'm in the past! Ah thought stuff like this only happened in movies, but here Ah am, just like Marty McFly! It's good we didn't have to use a DeLorean, because Ah probably wouldn't be able ta swing the door closed. The arena was MUCH easiah, Ah'm sure!!
Warthog continues on his way, holding what appears to be an envelope in his right hand. We can't see what it says, as he swings it back and forth. He points back over his shoulder with his left hand.
Aaron Warthog - Ya know, Ah just came from a buffet where they give you all the food you can eat for FIVE dollars? Ah say, I could really grow to like it here.
While Warthog may be happy, you can only feel sympathy for the restaurant serving the buffet. They took a loss today.
Aaron Warthog - But truth is, Ah already miss mah Memphis and mah kids. Ah know we'll probably return before they're missin' me, but Ah miss them already terribly. Ah have to remember that this trip is all for them, to get them everything they deserve in life. And to get there, Ah'm going to have to knock some sense into a masked maniac name a' Phoenix.
The big man's expression darkens a little as he thinks about his opponent at RetroMania.
Aaron Warthog - JC, you sir, have been a real downer for TPW. One of your first actions here? Kidnappin' a dog. Who does that? And then you kidnapped that Nova Skye lady, which is even worse than the dognappin'! All the while, you've been talkin' up a big game while you ain't done much here. You seem to think tha sun comes up just to hear you crow.
Warthog snorts to himself, continuing to walk forward and past by very confused pedestrians as he's in full promo mode.
Aaron Warthog - Ah can't say Ah know much about prestige. But Ah do know you're supposed to be respected when you're pres-ti-gi-ous, and no one respects you, JC. You brought shame and dishonor to our locker room. You may try ta dress it up and act like you're so great, but you've lost more matches than Ah have here. You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, JC. Ah guess that makes you swine, doesn't it?
Spotting his destination, Warthog stops at the foot of a series of steps, keeping his focus on the camera.
Aaron Warthog - Ah've never had that much success in the wrasslin' business, so Ah get that most don't seem ta think I have a chance against JC. But Ah already proved the doubters wrong once by gettin' this title shot. Ah aim to prove it to them again that JC is nothin' but a pretender, someone who does the bad things because he can't cut it with the good. He may think he can walk all over a wrassler like me, but he'll be findin' that it only takes a single Warthog to stomp him down with a Stampede.
Powered up, Warthog points a finger right at the camera.
Aaron Warthog - There's gonna be a miracle at RetroMania that they'll still be talkin' about back in our time, when the Warthog walks out as the first Prestige Champion. And JC, once Ah've beaten ya down, we'll have ourselves some words about how kidnappin' and dognappin' is just wrong. Ah'll see you soon for your scheduled stompin'. For now, I got business ta take care of.
Warthog turns and walks forward, heading into what appears to be a post office. The door slams behind him, leaving us all to wonder, why is Aaron Warthog at a post office in 1989? We'll find out soon enough, won't we?
Aaron Warthog - What do you MEAN Ah can't send it?? Why not??
We pick up as Warthog has made it to the front of the line, offering up his envelope to the elderly man standing behind the post office counter. The man is just shaking his head.
Worker - Because it's impossible. You can't post-date an envelope for 34 years from now!
The man holds up the envelope, showing the clear message on it stating "Don't Mail Until April 2023". It's barely legible. Warthog rubs at his head.
Aaron Warthog - Ya don't understand. Ah have to send this message while Ah I have the chance! If Ah can get this letter before Ah go to that bar, Ah can stop them from takin' pictures of me! And Ah can also stop a dognappin' and womannappin'! It's important!
The worker just stares at Warthog, with no sympathy on his face.
Worker - Sure, son. But we can't do that here. It'll go straight to the address you put on here, right away.
Aaron Warthog - But mah family doesn't even live there yet!
Worker - ... Then put another address.
Sighing, Warthog takes back the envelope. He takes a step away, then turns to look back at the man.
Aaron Warthog - Marty McFly was able to do this, ya know!
Worker - What? From Back To The Future? Love that movie, but the only letter was the one Marty gave Doc personally...
Aaron Warthog - Oh, Part II hasn't come out yet?
Worker - ... It's later this year. Have you seen it already?
Aaron Warthog - Of course! Ah'm from the future!
Worker - ... Uh huh. Next?
Warthog walks away, dejected, as the next person in line lifts up a heavy box to mail. We follow Warthog as he leaves the post office, moving on down the street. He keeps looking at the envelope, trying to find a way for him to get it mailed, but he can't come up with anything.
Aaron Warthog - Darn post office. They're supposed ta work for us!
Voice - Ooh! Preach it, big boy!
Warthog stops, looking to his side in the alley he's walked down, seeing a man standing there in a black leather jacket. His hair is slicked back as he lifts up a cigarette, taking a long puff.
Aaron Warthog - Sorry, sir, didn't mean ta disturb ya.
Andrew - I'm never disturbed unless I want to be. Name's Andrew.
Aaron Warthog - Oh, Ah'm Aaron. Good to meet you.
The two shake hands, with Andrew quickly wiping his off with a smirk. He takes another puff, before turning back.
Andrew - You're looking a little flushed there, tubbo. How about a joke?
Little Miss Muffett sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her,
And said 'Hey, what's in the bowl, bitch?'
Andrew gestures with his hands, with Warthog weakly smiling. It's not clear he understands the joke. At all. Noting this, Andrew shrugs his shoulders and tries another tactic.
Andrew - So what's on your mind, Aaron?
Aaron Warthog - Ah just... Ah really needed to get something sent, to prevent somethin' bad from happenin'. But Ah guess it won't work. They won't do it for me.
Andrew - That's fudged up.
Andrew's eyes suddenly look up, confused.
Andrew - Did I just say fudged?
Aaron Warthog - Don't worry about it, that just happens in the TPW universe.
Andrew - The what?
Aaron Warthog - Never mind. Ah just... Ah thought Ah could stop something bad before it happened, ya know?
Andrew - That isn't the way it works usually, ooh!
Aaron Warthog - Ah know, but...
Andrew - But when bad Poop happens, you can't stop fighting. I'll always push myself because that's the journey of life. We do go through things. Some of it's incredibly great and some of it's really bad. But that's life, you got me?
Aaron Warthog - Ah guess so. That makes sense. It'd still be easier if Ah could send this envelope.
Andrew - That thing? I can send it for you.
Aaron Warthog - You can?
Andrew - Why the fudge not?
Andrew takes the envelope from an ecstatic Warthog, chuckling to himself at the written send date. He tucks it behind him, showing little care for it, but Warthog doesn't notice.
Aaron Warthog - Ah can't thank ya enough, Andrew! You might save a life or two!
Andrew - I might do that, sure. But you have to keep fighting too, you understand? You married?
Aaron Warthog - Yes, sir. A beauty named Memphis.
Andrew - Well you fight for her, too, right? And make sure you give her one for me when you can, ooh!
Aaron Warthog - Like a hug? Sure, sir, I will.
Both men look back over their shoulder at the nearby stage door, where a chant can suddenly be heard: "Dice! Dice! Dice! Dice! Dice!"
Aaron Warthog - Ah think your board game's back on, sir!
Andrew - Board game, hah, I'm going to use that! Yeah, I've got to go. But let me just tell you this.
The man steps back towards the door, pointing towards Warthog.
Andrew - I'm glad you listened, and take some advice,
You could do anything you want, take it from Dice.
Always knew I'd make it, I never had a doubt.
Life's like sex, baby, the more you put in *ooh!*, the more you get out!
With that, Andrew turns and heads through the doorway, strutting his way in. A few seconds after the door closes, we hear a live crowd cheering loudly, presumably because he's walked out on stage. Warthog turns away, nodding his head.
Aaron Warthog - Strange guy, but Ah like him. And he's right. Ah can do anything Ah want, and that includes winning the Prestige Championship. That baby is gonna be so amazin' to bring back to Memphis & tha kids! Phoenix might rise from tha ashes after this, but to get there, he's gotta get broken down first, and that's where Ah come in! The Warthog is takin' that gold and rollin' through TPW, yeeehaw!
Warthog steps out of the alley, looking around in both directions, deciding on where to head next.
Aaron Warthog - Ah wonder if Ah'll notice if the future changes once that letter is mailed? Ah hope he does send it. But even if Andrew doesn't, Ah'll still fight to make everythin' right. Because that's just who Ah am!
Warthog stomps off, as the camera tilts upwards, showing the marquee board that displays the words "Andrew Dice Clay: The Diceman Cometh". We slowly fade away.
