Post by jackmehoff on Mar 11, 2024 20:08:40 GMT -5
We are taken to a candle light vigil on a unseasonably beautiful March night. People have gathered, carrying candles to memorialize something they all share a common loss of. The candlelight reflects in the dark glasses and dark eyes of mourners. The camera pans over to Jack N. Mehoff, wearing jeans, a white NO MA'AM t-shirt and a somber look on his face.
Jack: I can't believe it's gone. I had so many great memories here. So many new relationships formed. I hired some of my best actresses from here. And now, it's gone. Getting turned into a yoga studio.
The camera pans up and shows the candle light vigil is being held outside a closed Hooters restaurant. Jack blows out the candle.
Jack: Oh well. No sense dawning on the past. Time to see if any of these out of work waitresses want to get a job in porn. But first, I've got to talk about my upcoming match. I've got five opponents to worry about.
First and foremost on the list is the Fuding yard-tard, El Diablo Blanko. I'm just going to say you're damn lucky you didn't try pulling this crap in the old territory days. If you had some backyard wrestler get booked on a show, one of the veterans would have got in the ring with you, chopped your chest until it's bleeding, broke your leg, broke your back, made you humble.... Sorry got a little carried away there, and would have thrown you ou of the building after your match. Unlike you, I went through several brutal years of training before I ever set foot in a ring. This guy doesn't belong in my ring, he belongs in a backyard making YouTube videos with this guy.
A video plays briefly before going back to Jack
Jack: Now speaking of my Juggalos and Juggalets, I want to send a shout out the Juggalo gang members serving time in the Iona Correctional Facility, outside Detroit, serving time for public indecency. Of course, Jayce Pierce would fall into that category. You know, I actually feel bad for the guy. After spending time in prison, it doesn't leave many job opportunities available. Poor guys just getting hired by a wrestling company to get his ass kicked every week. I mean we all remember how bad he looked after his match a few weeks ago against Sal Badman.
A photo shows up on the screen briefly.
Jack: Then there's Leia Organa. You're pretty much a glorified spot monkey. I would have a guy in a monkey costume come out and start dancing, but frankly Oregano, you're not worth my time. Oh, who am I kidding. I always have time for that.
A little person steps into the shot, wearing a monkey costume with yellow spots all over it. He starts dancing to "Hey Hey, We're The Monkeys"
The music stops playing and the spot monkey walks off, while the people attending the vigil look on confused.
Jack: Next on the list is Jason Cashe. The bad ass MMA fighter. Listen, everyone knows pro wrestlers are the real deal and people only get into MMA because they aren't tough enough or entertaining enough to make it as a pro wrestler. I give you credit for trying to step up to the big leagues, by why don't you leave the big leagues to guys like me who are properly trained for it. And last but certainly least, Xavier Lux "The Man with Venom in his Veins."
Jack gets a slightly confused look on his face.
Jack: "The Man with Venom in his Veins?" Um, Xavier? Have you thought about seeing a doctor about that? That does not sound healthy. Or, are you trying to say you're a snake handler or something? Is it just me or does calling yourself "The Man with Venom in his Veigs" sound like calling yourself "The Man Who Drinks Bleach?" Or "The Dude Who Shares Drug Needles?" Or "The Guy Who Eats out of an Arby's Dumpster?" To me it sounds more like a poor lifestyle choice than any type of threat.
And there we have it. Obviously management in this company were so impressed in my debut outing they felt putting me against one or two opponents wasn't enough. It's just a matter of beating these five opponents, then it's on to winning the Prestige Championship. Not bad for only three matches in eh? Love me or hate me, you can't look away when you're Jack N. Mehoff.... Ok, I'm still working on my catch phrase.
The scene fades to black.
