Post by Andrea Hernandez on Mar 13, 2024 22:52:09 GMT -5
On the day after my 30th birthday, there was a family celebration at Sunset Park in Sedona. However, it wasn’t for me. It was for my mother, whose eyes were lit up.
“It’s beautiful…” she said, as she, myself, my brother Eddie among others were looking at a red colored food truck with a large red velvet cupcake structure on it with “Kayfabe Bakeries” written. “...it’s a dream come true and I’m so happy that you decided to do this, Andrea!”
I could only help but feel happy for my mother, who had long dreamed of having an opportunity like this.
“You didn’t have to put some of your own money into doing this…” she told me.
“Mom, you didn’t have to support my dream…” I began, referring to my wrestling career. “But, even though you weren’t for me being a wrestler and even though you’ve told me at various times to move on for my own good, you’ve stayed behind me. So, I feel like I HAD to repay you for all the faith and support you’ve given me.”
My mother and I exchanged an embrace.
“I wish my parents were still here to see this. They would’ve been so happy! You’re going to stay for tomorrow when we start preparing our product, right?”
“Of course, mother!” I said with a smile.
“You’re so cool for doing this…” my brother Eddie told me as he and my mother stepped away for a bit to have a chat about plans.
Me? I was beaming inside. The fact that I put myself in a position to help my mother fulfill her dream due to success in my own was certainly something that I was ecstatic about.
“Shoot, I left the merchandise in the car…” I said, referring to Kayfabe Bakeries. I walked a little further into the parking lot toward my car and just when I was about to put my key in the car, I heard a nearby voice call out to me.
“Do you know where I can find…”
I looked up and saw THE face I didn’t want to see…
That of my older brother.
“...Andrea…” Roddy said to me.
I was too numb to respond or even to move. I dropped my key on the pavement and I could feel this horribly cold sensation going down my spine. My hands were shaking. I felt like everything else around me didn’t even exist. Just seeing him again for the first time since that horrible day, I was already having awful flashbacks to the abuse I took from him verbally and especially physically on those rare occasions…
Just seeing him again triggered a flashback to a time he purposely stuck gum in my hair when I was six, forcing me to cut it way shorter than I ever wanted it to…
To a time where he told me “you’re the reason why abortion is a good thing” when I was eight.
To a time where he intentionally slammed my bedroom door on my thumb when I was 11…
To buying me a provocative ‘escort’ outfit as a ‘sick joke’ for my 13th birthday and telling me ‘this is your future’...
And of course… when he beat me up in that closet when I was 14 the last time I saw him outside of a prison cell.
Just seeing him again felt like I was suffocating. My bottom lip was trembling and I could even feel a tear roll down the right side of my face. He tried to touch my right shoulder, as if he was trying to be nice to me and give me an embrace before I was able to snap out of my numbness for a split second.
“Don’t touch me…” I said, quivering. He was taken aback by this.
“I’ve just wanted to talk…”
“I wrote you a letter telling you to stay away from me. I even had Eddie deliver that to you.”
It was a miracle I was even able to get those words out considering I felt like I was about to faint at any moment now.
“We were kids, Andrea…”
I clenched my fists as I could hear my 14 year old self BEGGING ME to punch him. I was doing the very best that I can to stay calm.
“That’s no excuse for how you treated me and for what? Because you never wanted a sister? Because I wanted to be a wrestler too? Why should I ever trust you after everything you did to me?”
The tears were falling down my face quite a bit faster now.
“Don’t even TRY to say sorry because you’re not sorry! You had 15 years in prison to say sorry and you never did! Don’t act like you suddenly care about me! Surely, you know about what I have done with my life, in and out of wrestling, DESPITE you! If you really care about me, you would’ve respected my wishes and not blindsided me like this AFTER I wrote you that letter to stay away from me!!!!”
“If I didn’t want to make up for the past, I would’ve listened to that letter…” he tries to explain. “...but I’ve been doing so much thinking in prison about you and how horrible I treated you and how much I hurt you in so many different ways and I regret it. I can’t live with myself… the guilt…”
“It’s not about how YOU feel! I don’t care about your guilt! It’s not YOUR feelings that matter it’s MINE! I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM ME!”
“Andrea, please. What do I have to do to get a second chance?” Roddy asks, further angering me. “You’re a very strong young lady…”
“How would YOU know? You never wanted to be part of my life.”
“I’ve seen it through your wrestling career.”
“Don’t Fuding use MY career, MY dream to patronize me! I would beat the Poop out of you right now but you’re NOT worth going to jail for! So, I’m going to tell you one last time: STAY AWAY FROM ME!”
“Andrea, I’m trying to…”
“Bro, are you Fuding serious?” I heard Eddie say as he came toward me. “She told you to stay away. Stay away!”
Roddy doesn’t know what to say at this point.
“Come on Andrea, you don’t need this. Not now.”
Eddie tries to pull me away.
“Eddie, wait.”
“You have nothing to say or prove to him…” he reasons.
“Andrea…” Roddy begins. “I was wrong about everything. I was wrong about you. I missed out with you and that’s my fault.”
“You’re damn right it is…” I said back to him.
“Andrea…” Eddie says, still trying to get me away.
“I’ve got this.” I said as I stared at Roddy dead in the eye. “Everything that I have done in my career all started with you. Overcoming your abuse to begin with is how I managed to make it in this business. NOTHING you said or did to me was EVER going to stop me! Even if YOU were the one that became a wrestler and Dad stuck by the stupid ‘male only’ traditions of our wrestling family, I still would’ve found someone else to train me the day I moved out of the house. I’m stronger than you and I’m a far better person than you’ll ever be but I don’t hate you because my happiness and my self-esteem aren’t worth that. At the end of the day, you ARE family and I HOPE prison has changed you for the better. I wish nothing but the best for you despite what you’ve done to me and I HOPE you continue to be better. I forgive you for everything and as they say in wrestling, ‘never say never’, but until I ever change my mind, stay away. You have so much to prove to me and it may take you a long time to do so.”
“Fine…” Roddy says as he throws up his hands. “...congrats on your continued success with your career. I’ll leave you alone.”
Roddy turns and starts walking toward his car and a huge sense of warm relief swept through me.
“That was amazing, Andrea…” Eddie said, reassuring me.
“Thank you, my one TRUE brother!” I said as he pulled me into the warmest hug imaginable.
“He’ll never hurt you again…” he reassured.
“It felt great to finally say that to his face…” I admitted before we broke our embrace and went back to the new Kayfabe Bakeries Truck.
Today…
The camera was on as I was sitting in what was a small, innocent playground that was bright pink and littered with a bunch of ‘girly toys’ such as stuffed animals, Barbies among other things. Plastered among the walls were pictures of me as a little girl, when I got to be happy and largely when Roddy wasn’t around to torture me, particularly moments I had with my father. But on my lap was a picture of myself, age 16, on my first day of wrestling training and as I began to speak, I felt very inspired.
“Thunder in Paradise and a championship match…
As far as TPW goes, it doesn’t get much bigger than this. Obviously, if I was fighting for a world title, it would be bigger than this but that doesn’t make me any less grateful to be here. I’m going into one of the biggest shows of the year as a champion and damn it, I am going to exit as a champion and I know that you probably meant well when I encountered you, Khloe. I’m sorry if I came off a little defensive. But you have to understand, and you probably do understand to a degree with some of what you’ve went through, that because of the battle scars that I’ve accrued over my career, I can never be the sweet, naive, carefree, innocent person that I was when I first started this.
Really Khloe…
I want you to take a close look at this picture of me from my first day of training. Sixteen year old me didn’t realize how hard this business was going to be. I thought my dad was going to teach me the world and that I was going to travel the world and be a champion everywhere I went but I had no idea that I had to grind SO HARD just to break mainstream. I didn’t do it until I was 22, back in a place named GCW. That means I spent six years just training and being in the Indies which in this day and age with lackadaisical Gen Y’ers going to wrestling school for 2 months and then going mainstream, that’s unheard of these days.
Khloe, I know that you have had your brushes with the dark side before. But for being so young as you are, and as our encounter indicated a couple of weeks back, youthful and exuberant, you don’t know the darkness you have to go through to get to where I am today.
You’ve never been psychologically abused by a mentor who was taking out her own deep, dark insecurities on you.
You’ve never been bullied as a rookie and been on the opposite end of racism.
You’ve probably never been told by any wrestling company you’ve worked for that you’re not good enough.
You’ve never been in a toxic, sexist, chauvinist culture like I was with OCW where the legends stuck in 2 decades ago counted me out merely for being a woman.
You likely haven’t been in a toxic locker room I was in with SCW where everyone rooted for you to fail and where I hit my rock bottom and lost myself as a person, especially after my father died.
But I overcame every single thing as my childhood innocence faded and I couldn’t be ‘youthful and exuberant’ anymore. I faced so many demons and overcome so much darkness to be a champion, to be the wrestler that I am today. I’m sure you’ve suffered, Khloe. But you haven’t suffered as much as I have, nor have you been through the rock bottom that I have.
You don’t have the battle scars that I do and that’s why you’re not ready to be a champion yet.
You WILL BE someday… but not Friday… not at my expense.
This isn’t a ‘poof, magic wand’ and suddenly it all works out for you. That’s not how it works. I’ll show you how it works on that big stage, a stage that I thrive on, when I beat you and retain my Prestige Championship.
I’ll show you why I overcame my abusive brother and all the times he ever told me “you can’t” and “you’ll never”.
I’ll show you why the innocent, 16 year old sweetheart you see in this picture evolved and matured into the woman, the wrestler and the champion she is today.
I’ve battled some harsh, sick demons over my career, Khloe… demons you couldn’t even begin to understand.
I’ve slayed them…
And when I beat you? I’ll continue to do so.
But chin up Khloe. I believe in you.
Someday.
Just not Friday…
I took a deep breath at this point and shut off the camera. After I did so, I gave a warm embrace to the picture of my 16 year old self, literally embracing my journey to realize the dream I’m so happy and grateful to live!
“It’s beautiful…” she said, as she, myself, my brother Eddie among others were looking at a red colored food truck with a large red velvet cupcake structure on it with “Kayfabe Bakeries” written. “...it’s a dream come true and I’m so happy that you decided to do this, Andrea!”
I could only help but feel happy for my mother, who had long dreamed of having an opportunity like this.
“You didn’t have to put some of your own money into doing this…” she told me.
“Mom, you didn’t have to support my dream…” I began, referring to my wrestling career. “But, even though you weren’t for me being a wrestler and even though you’ve told me at various times to move on for my own good, you’ve stayed behind me. So, I feel like I HAD to repay you for all the faith and support you’ve given me.”
My mother and I exchanged an embrace.
“I wish my parents were still here to see this. They would’ve been so happy! You’re going to stay for tomorrow when we start preparing our product, right?”
“Of course, mother!” I said with a smile.
“You’re so cool for doing this…” my brother Eddie told me as he and my mother stepped away for a bit to have a chat about plans.
Me? I was beaming inside. The fact that I put myself in a position to help my mother fulfill her dream due to success in my own was certainly something that I was ecstatic about.
“Shoot, I left the merchandise in the car…” I said, referring to Kayfabe Bakeries. I walked a little further into the parking lot toward my car and just when I was about to put my key in the car, I heard a nearby voice call out to me.
“Do you know where I can find…”
I looked up and saw THE face I didn’t want to see…
That of my older brother.
“...Andrea…” Roddy said to me.
I was too numb to respond or even to move. I dropped my key on the pavement and I could feel this horribly cold sensation going down my spine. My hands were shaking. I felt like everything else around me didn’t even exist. Just seeing him again for the first time since that horrible day, I was already having awful flashbacks to the abuse I took from him verbally and especially physically on those rare occasions…
Just seeing him again triggered a flashback to a time he purposely stuck gum in my hair when I was six, forcing me to cut it way shorter than I ever wanted it to…
To a time where he told me “you’re the reason why abortion is a good thing” when I was eight.
To a time where he intentionally slammed my bedroom door on my thumb when I was 11…
To buying me a provocative ‘escort’ outfit as a ‘sick joke’ for my 13th birthday and telling me ‘this is your future’...
And of course… when he beat me up in that closet when I was 14 the last time I saw him outside of a prison cell.
Just seeing him again felt like I was suffocating. My bottom lip was trembling and I could even feel a tear roll down the right side of my face. He tried to touch my right shoulder, as if he was trying to be nice to me and give me an embrace before I was able to snap out of my numbness for a split second.
“Don’t touch me…” I said, quivering. He was taken aback by this.
“I’ve just wanted to talk…”
“I wrote you a letter telling you to stay away from me. I even had Eddie deliver that to you.”
It was a miracle I was even able to get those words out considering I felt like I was about to faint at any moment now.
“We were kids, Andrea…”
I clenched my fists as I could hear my 14 year old self BEGGING ME to punch him. I was doing the very best that I can to stay calm.
“That’s no excuse for how you treated me and for what? Because you never wanted a sister? Because I wanted to be a wrestler too? Why should I ever trust you after everything you did to me?”
The tears were falling down my face quite a bit faster now.
“Don’t even TRY to say sorry because you’re not sorry! You had 15 years in prison to say sorry and you never did! Don’t act like you suddenly care about me! Surely, you know about what I have done with my life, in and out of wrestling, DESPITE you! If you really care about me, you would’ve respected my wishes and not blindsided me like this AFTER I wrote you that letter to stay away from me!!!!”
“If I didn’t want to make up for the past, I would’ve listened to that letter…” he tries to explain. “...but I’ve been doing so much thinking in prison about you and how horrible I treated you and how much I hurt you in so many different ways and I regret it. I can’t live with myself… the guilt…”
“It’s not about how YOU feel! I don’t care about your guilt! It’s not YOUR feelings that matter it’s MINE! I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM ME!”
“Andrea, please. What do I have to do to get a second chance?” Roddy asks, further angering me. “You’re a very strong young lady…”
“How would YOU know? You never wanted to be part of my life.”
“I’ve seen it through your wrestling career.”
“Don’t Fuding use MY career, MY dream to patronize me! I would beat the Poop out of you right now but you’re NOT worth going to jail for! So, I’m going to tell you one last time: STAY AWAY FROM ME!”
“Andrea, I’m trying to…”
“Bro, are you Fuding serious?” I heard Eddie say as he came toward me. “She told you to stay away. Stay away!”
Roddy doesn’t know what to say at this point.
“Come on Andrea, you don’t need this. Not now.”
Eddie tries to pull me away.
“Eddie, wait.”
“You have nothing to say or prove to him…” he reasons.
“Andrea…” Roddy begins. “I was wrong about everything. I was wrong about you. I missed out with you and that’s my fault.”
“You’re damn right it is…” I said back to him.
“Andrea…” Eddie says, still trying to get me away.
“I’ve got this.” I said as I stared at Roddy dead in the eye. “Everything that I have done in my career all started with you. Overcoming your abuse to begin with is how I managed to make it in this business. NOTHING you said or did to me was EVER going to stop me! Even if YOU were the one that became a wrestler and Dad stuck by the stupid ‘male only’ traditions of our wrestling family, I still would’ve found someone else to train me the day I moved out of the house. I’m stronger than you and I’m a far better person than you’ll ever be but I don’t hate you because my happiness and my self-esteem aren’t worth that. At the end of the day, you ARE family and I HOPE prison has changed you for the better. I wish nothing but the best for you despite what you’ve done to me and I HOPE you continue to be better. I forgive you for everything and as they say in wrestling, ‘never say never’, but until I ever change my mind, stay away. You have so much to prove to me and it may take you a long time to do so.”
“Fine…” Roddy says as he throws up his hands. “...congrats on your continued success with your career. I’ll leave you alone.”
Roddy turns and starts walking toward his car and a huge sense of warm relief swept through me.
“That was amazing, Andrea…” Eddie said, reassuring me.
“Thank you, my one TRUE brother!” I said as he pulled me into the warmest hug imaginable.
“He’ll never hurt you again…” he reassured.
“It felt great to finally say that to his face…” I admitted before we broke our embrace and went back to the new Kayfabe Bakeries Truck.
Today…
The camera was on as I was sitting in what was a small, innocent playground that was bright pink and littered with a bunch of ‘girly toys’ such as stuffed animals, Barbies among other things. Plastered among the walls were pictures of me as a little girl, when I got to be happy and largely when Roddy wasn’t around to torture me, particularly moments I had with my father. But on my lap was a picture of myself, age 16, on my first day of wrestling training and as I began to speak, I felt very inspired.
“Thunder in Paradise and a championship match…
As far as TPW goes, it doesn’t get much bigger than this. Obviously, if I was fighting for a world title, it would be bigger than this but that doesn’t make me any less grateful to be here. I’m going into one of the biggest shows of the year as a champion and damn it, I am going to exit as a champion and I know that you probably meant well when I encountered you, Khloe. I’m sorry if I came off a little defensive. But you have to understand, and you probably do understand to a degree with some of what you’ve went through, that because of the battle scars that I’ve accrued over my career, I can never be the sweet, naive, carefree, innocent person that I was when I first started this.
Really Khloe…
I want you to take a close look at this picture of me from my first day of training. Sixteen year old me didn’t realize how hard this business was going to be. I thought my dad was going to teach me the world and that I was going to travel the world and be a champion everywhere I went but I had no idea that I had to grind SO HARD just to break mainstream. I didn’t do it until I was 22, back in a place named GCW. That means I spent six years just training and being in the Indies which in this day and age with lackadaisical Gen Y’ers going to wrestling school for 2 months and then going mainstream, that’s unheard of these days.
Khloe, I know that you have had your brushes with the dark side before. But for being so young as you are, and as our encounter indicated a couple of weeks back, youthful and exuberant, you don’t know the darkness you have to go through to get to where I am today.
You’ve never been psychologically abused by a mentor who was taking out her own deep, dark insecurities on you.
You’ve never been bullied as a rookie and been on the opposite end of racism.
You’ve probably never been told by any wrestling company you’ve worked for that you’re not good enough.
You’ve never been in a toxic, sexist, chauvinist culture like I was with OCW where the legends stuck in 2 decades ago counted me out merely for being a woman.
You likely haven’t been in a toxic locker room I was in with SCW where everyone rooted for you to fail and where I hit my rock bottom and lost myself as a person, especially after my father died.
But I overcame every single thing as my childhood innocence faded and I couldn’t be ‘youthful and exuberant’ anymore. I faced so many demons and overcome so much darkness to be a champion, to be the wrestler that I am today. I’m sure you’ve suffered, Khloe. But you haven’t suffered as much as I have, nor have you been through the rock bottom that I have.
You don’t have the battle scars that I do and that’s why you’re not ready to be a champion yet.
You WILL BE someday… but not Friday… not at my expense.
This isn’t a ‘poof, magic wand’ and suddenly it all works out for you. That’s not how it works. I’ll show you how it works on that big stage, a stage that I thrive on, when I beat you and retain my Prestige Championship.
I’ll show you why I overcame my abusive brother and all the times he ever told me “you can’t” and “you’ll never”.
I’ll show you why the innocent, 16 year old sweetheart you see in this picture evolved and matured into the woman, the wrestler and the champion she is today.
I’ve battled some harsh, sick demons over my career, Khloe… demons you couldn’t even begin to understand.
I’ve slayed them…
And when I beat you? I’ll continue to do so.
But chin up Khloe. I believe in you.
Someday.
Just not Friday…
I took a deep breath at this point and shut off the camera. After I did so, I gave a warm embrace to the picture of my 16 year old self, literally embracing my journey to realize the dream I’m so happy and grateful to live!
