Post by zybala on Mar 19, 2024 8:09:44 GMT -5
Episode 8
We open up in the yard. It's a nice, mild day; as most days are here in The Yard. The Mariachi band is playing music to entertain the Yardies, who are already in their seats, with most of the adults having beers in hand. Mitch is getting in the ring. Zybala is at the refrigerator box they call the announce table, trusty laptop at hand ready to play the theme songs. Commissioner Annie is chilling in her bean bag chair playing around with her cellphone. Emilio is unseen behind the camera. Eastern European is standing by a running generator giving the camera what he would call "The biggest of the up thumbs." There is even two porto-potties at the far end of the yard. Don't ask where we acquired them from. Just assume it was legal. Zybala signals the band and they stop playing. He then clicks the laptop mouse a few times and "Da Funk" starts playing over the speakers. The fans cheer as President Dean makes his way from the back of the house, microphone in hand. He has a somber look to him. He is followed by the wrestlers who stop half way to the ring as Dean continues. The music stops as Dean enters the ring.
Dean: Ladies and gentlemen. Recently, we have had a horrible tragedy here in Florida. Now I don't want to get into any type of debate about mental health or gun control, you all didn't come here for that. All we here at OCW ask of you is to please stand and observe a moment of silence followed by a ten bell salute for the victims of this, and every other tragedy.
The Yardies and OCW staff rise as Dean lowers his head. Everyone follows suit and for a full two minutes, everyone is relatively quiet. We can hear a few people crying and we see people near them putting arms around their shoulders. The silence is broken when Zybala pulls out an old, rusted ring bell and a hammer. He hits the bell ten slow times and then sits down.
Dean: Thank you. Now let's get on with the show!
Dean exits the ring as the wrestlers return to the house. Dean takes his place next to Zybala as Annie gets into the ring.
Annie: The following match is scheduled for one fall! Coming to the ring first, getting clues from the shady corners of the dark streets, this is "The Detective" Jack Puffer!
Zybala plays the theme song from "Inspector Gadget" and Puffer exit the house to enter the yard. The fans cheer as they recognize the other OCW detective. He is high-fiving the fans on his way to the ring and rolls in under the ropes. Puffer gets to his feet and raises his arms as the fans cheer more. The music stops and Annie continues....
Annie: And his opponent, hailing from a really shorty home life in Key West, Florida. Weighing in at 155 pounds, he is just another masked guy, JAM G!!!
The Yardies cheer as "No One Knows" hits the speakers and JAM G jumps over the fence and leaps into view. He doesn’t get much height. He lands on both feet and looks around, mysteriously. The crowd chants “JAM G!” JAM G rushes toward the ring and slides in. He pops to his feet and continues to look around mysteriously. Annie exits the ring and Mitch calls for the bell.
Zybala: And here we go! JAM G versus Puffer!
Dean: Puffer is looking to make an impact in his first match here in Outsiders.
Zybala: And JAM G, despite being in the first ever Outsiders match, is looking for his first win in the yard. This should be a good'un.
Puffer and JAM G circle each other for a moment before locking up. They struggle against each other to test each others strength. They appear to be equal as they let go. The two lock up again, this time Puffer has the upper hand as he pushes JAM G into the ropes who bounces back and tries a shoulder block, but Puffer barely moves. JAM G stands his ground and taunts Puffer to try to knock him down. Puffer charges at the ropes, bounces off them, and crashes into JAM G who moves, but not much. They stare each other down then both bend down, hit the mat with their hands, then run towards opposite ropes. They bounce back and collide in the middle of the ring with another lock up! They struggle against each other for a long time. Soon, the Yardies start to boo and chant boring.
Zybala: After trying to size each other up, we have reached a stalemate after both guys tried to use a strong style version of a collar and elbow lockup!
Dean: Strong style nothing! Like these suckas are chanting, this Poop is boring.
As JAM G and Puffer continue to grapple, we can hear a loud roar from the next yard. The boos turn to cheer as Zybala looks terrified and starts to hide behind the refrigerator box. Dean looks annoyed as hell. Suddenly, the wooden fence behind the Yardies explodes into splinters as a large person wearing a hairy beast costume, and a large squash costume over it menacingly stomps into the yard.
Dean: What the Fudge! You told me that this thing happens only when both masked white guy fall to cut a promo! I count only one!
Zybala: The last time must have been enough to awaken the beast from its slumber!
The Squash-ness Monster makes its way towards the ring and JAM G, remembering his last encounter with the beast, looks fearful. He quickly throws Puffer out of the ring towards the monster. Puffer lands out of the ring right at the feet of Squash-ness. JAM G begs Mitch to start a ten count. Mitch does because why not. As our favorite stoned ref counts, Squash-ness is stomping away on Puffer, then decides to pick up the Detective. He wraps his massive paw around the throat of Puffer and lifts him high in the air and drops him with a devastating chokeslam! The monster then turns it's attention to JAM G and makes its way into the ring. Just as Squash-ness gets in the ring, Mitch gets to the count of ten and calls for the bell. JAM G cheers as he gets out of the ring and the hell out of the yard, running towards the house at full speed. Squash-ness shrugs and leaves the ring. Just like last time, the beast kicks and punches another hole in the fence as it makes its exit. Dean looks pissed then motions towards the Mariachi band who grab some nearby lumber and nails and get to work on mending the holes.
Annie: Your winner via count out, JAM G! We shall now take a brief intermission.
The fans get out of their chairs to stand and stretch, some head to the porto-potties. Eastern European has a grill going and making hotdogs and burgers.
EE: Come and buying your dogs of hotness and steamed hams! Two American dollars of pieces!
People line up for food as Dean is still complaining at Zybala about the monster. Suddenly, we see a well dressed couple enter the yard with a lady dressed in a blazer. She is holding a folder and addressing the well to do couple, not paying attention to the yard.
Folder Lady: And this is the backyard. It's spacious for little ones to run around........ What the hell is this?!?!
The Realtor finally turns around and looks in the yard, seeing the crowd and wrestling ring. Dean and Zybala stop arguing and see the new people. They both begin to panic as the well to do man starts to speak.
Gentleman: Well I say. I do believe that we've stumbled upon a upstart wrestling promotion.
Wife: Oh how quaint. Isn't that what [real name edited out for legal reasons] does?
Gentleman: I do believe you are correct dear. What is the name he uses? It's on the tip of my tongue. Shadow......something.
Wife: Shadow Dancer.
Gentleman: That's it! The Shadow Dancer.
Wife: He acts ever so proud of his wrestling. Shall we stay and see what the all the fuss is?
Gentleman: I say we shall. (In Dean's direction) I say, you boy. Who is in charge here?
Dean and Zybala walk over. The Realtor is dumbfounded at what is transpiring.
Dean: That would be me sir.
Gentleman: My wife and I would like to watch the remainder of your little show. How much is it?
Dean: Tell you what. If we can keep us using the yard our little secret, no charge at all.
Gentleman: Splendid! I'm sure that will be no problem. What say you Rebecca?
Realtor: (trying to please the rich people) No problem at all Mr. Schmidtenberg.
Dean: Wonderful! Let me show you to your seats.
Dean leads the trio to some seats as everyone starts settling back to their own chairs. Intermission is coming to a close and Annie steps into the ring.
Annie: The following match is scheduled for one fall and it's our Main Event of the evening! Coming to the ring first, he hails from the seedy under ground of Hollywood! This is John E. Depth!
Zybala clicks away at the trusty laptop and cues up "I Touch Myself" by The Devinyls. The fans boo as Depth emerges from the house into the yard, accompanied by two of his....ahem....."starlets" The C squad of a Wednesday night at a strip club flank Depth on his way to the ring. They hold the ropes apart for Depth to enter and Zybala cuts the music as Depth smack talks the crowd.
Annie: And his opponent, comes from Lewiston, Maine, weighing 115 pounds, this is "Welfare Hustle" Guy Cashe!!
"Niggaz Jump Up" get played on YouTube and out comes the most ghetto, thug-tastic looking sadness you will ever see in your life. The crowd boos as this scrawny white boy struts to the ring dressed in the most stereotypical whiteboy "thug" get up imaginable. He gets in the ring and acts as if he is getting cheered. He winks at Annie, obviously not remembering how she has nothing but disdain for him. Annie exists the ring and Mitch goes to check Depth for weapons.
Zybala: Good call from Mitch. In the other OCW, John E. was notorious for bringing weapons to the ring.
Dean: Didn't you hit him with the dildo bat from Saints Row when you faced him?
Zybala: ..........and Mitch gives the thumbs up and moves on to check Guy.
Mitch begins to check Cashe, all the while giving him a stern lecture about not sexually harassing his opponents. When Mitch is done with his check and lecture and Guy looking somewhat embarrased, Mitch calls for the bell.
Zybala: And here we go Deano! Main event time!
Dean: It looks to be a good one. Newcomer Depth against OCW original Guy Cashe.
Cashe and Depth circle each other for a little bit before locking up with the traditional collar and elbow. They struggle against one another for a bit when Cashe gets the upper hand and gets Depth in a headlock. Mitch goes to check if it's kosher and gives Cashe a pat on the back.
Mitch: Keep them hands clean buddy.
Cashe gives a thumbs up but quickly remembers that he has Depth in a headlock and returns his hand to the other. Depth is struggling as he flails his arms around, which seem to be getting slower by the moment.
Zybala: Could we see someone actually lose to a headlock??
Dean: Only in Outsiders, sucka!
Mitch goes to lift the now prone Depth's arm. It falls. Mitch does this a second time with the same result. Before he can do it a third time, Depth's "ladies", if you can call then that, start yelling and cheering for John E. to stay in this. The fans boo as they don't like either guy for obvious reasons. However, it's the "starlets" yelling that gets the attention of Guy. He looks over just as Mitch raises Depth's arm a third time, but before it falls, Cashe realises the hold and Depth falls to the canvas. Guy walks over to the porn "stars" and tries to work as much swagger as he can, which is absolute zero. In his mind, however.... He's the Poop.
Dean: I can't believe it! Guy had his first win in his grasp, but he let's it go just to talk with the Fuding ladies?!?
Zybala: Guy may have finally met women with standards so low that he might have a slim chance. With someone like Guy, that opportunity is so rare, you gotta take the chance when it presents itself!
While Guy is busy chatting with the ladies, Depth has recovered and slowly getting to his feet. The porno girls see this and start flirting back with Cashe to distract him. When he notices that his pickup lines are working, Guy grins wider and lays on the charm even more. Depth, using the distraction to his full advantage, goes behind Cashe and wraps him up with a Full Nelson! He drags Cashe away from the ropes and sinches in the hold as Guy struggles.
Zybala: I understand why Guy did it for the reasons I just said, but this is still wrestling. Never turn your back on your opponent!
Dean: You got that right partner, and now that sucka is caught in the dreaded Father Nelson.
Zybala: Ummm, it's actually called a Full Nelson.
Dean: Not when Depth does is. Just you watch.
Guy is struggling against the hold when a look of confusion spreads over his face. The confusion turns to horror and Guy starts flailing and kicking around. He lands a solid backkick to Depth's knee which causes the porn director to release the hold. Guy quickly goes into a corner with his back pressed firmly against the turnbuckles. He looks scared and violated. Mitch looks at him confused. Guy points at Depth with fear and horror in his eyes.
Cashe: He was trying to Fudge me!!
Mitch looks at Depth and there is an obvious bulge in his pants. Dean gives Zybala an "I told you so" look as Mitch losses his Poop and begins to yell at Depth about sexual harassment during matches. Mitch hasn't has any pot this match, and tends to get cranky when he's sober. Depth doesn't pay attention to the rer as he moves around Mitch and charges at Guy, who is still in the corner. Depth lowers his shoulders as he nears the corner but Guy moves out of the way at the last second. Depth crashes into the ring post and staggers backwards holding his freshly injured shoulder. He turns around and walks right into a boot to the stomach, courtesy of Guy Cashe. Depth doubles over and Guy puts his head between his legs.
Dean: I think I know what's coming next sucka.
Zybala: A back body drop? Maybe a pedigree? Can't be a powerbomb. You know this never works with Guy.
Guy wraps his arms around Depth's waist and heaves him up with all the ghetto strength he can muster. Guy manages to lift Depth up but doesn't hold him very long. Guy's scrawny arms waiver and lose their grip on Depth, who gets dropped back to the ground hard. It's the second most awkward power bomb ever, only behind the time Kevin Nash powerbombed The Giant in WCW. Cashe is just standing there in shock and even some of the crowd cheers, but most still boo.
Zybala: No Fuding way!!
Dean: Do you got a mother Fuding dollar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He finally hits it!!
Zybala: (yelling towards the ring) Don't just stand there you tard! Cover him!
Guy quickly shakes off the shock and covers Depth. Mitch goes for the count.
Mitch: 1........
2......
3!!!!!!
Annie:(no enthusiasm whatsoever) Here's your winner, Guy Cashe...
The crowd boos and some cheer as Guy jumps up and down like he just became the new OCW champ. Zybala cues "Niggaz Jump Up" and Guy relishes in his moment before handing back to the house.
Zybala: Well folks, it's been a good night of action here in the yard. I'm Mike Zybala...
Dean: And I'm President Dean. We'll see all you Suckas next time.
Episode 9
The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, it's another beautiful day in the yard. You know what that means boys and girls. It's time for another installment of OCW Dystopia! The Mariachi Band is playing a mariachi version of The Final Countdown by Europe and the Yardies are digging it. The community cooler is filled with Labatt Blue Beer because Fudge Pabst Blue Ribbon. But something is..... different. The Yardies are all in makeup, looking like extras in The Walking Dead. If you're not understanding; they look like zombies. Zybala is at his usual possition behind the announce "table" tapping away at his laptop getting theme music ready. He too is in makeup. The Mariachi band finishes playing and Zybala cues up "Da Funk." President Dean emerges from the house in torn, blood stain clothes and zombie makeup. He makes his way to the ring, high-fiving the fans on his way. Dean gets in the ring and Zybala stops the music. Dean pulls a microphone from his back pocket and let's get this show on the road!
Dean: YEEEEAAHH!! WHATS UP SUCKAS?!?! Welcome to another action packed Dystopia! Now I know you all are wondering why we painted you all up like the undead. Well, we heard a rumor that there is going to be another Realtor coming some time today to show off the house, and if somebody likes it, there goes the dream. So if anyone shows up, you all do your best zombie impression and slowly walk after them to scare them off.
Random Fan: What if one of them has a gun?
Dean: Then I yell cut and start yelling at the people that they ruined a two hour take. Make like we're filming a movie on location. Emilio has some good looking fake documents saying we have permission to be here for the day.
Random Fan: What if they shoot before you can smooth things over?
Dean: Then we will pay for all medical expenses.
Random Fan: But what if...
Dean: YOU SHUT YOUR Fuding DICK HOLSTER!! NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN! ON WITH THE SHOW!!
Dean exits the ring as Annie enters. She stands in the middle of the ring and does her thing.
Annie: The following match is scheduled for one fall!
The Yardies: ONE FALL!
Annie: Coming to the ring first, hailing from the Mobile Storm Chasing R.V., this is Debris!
Zybala clicks on the laptop and "Riding The Storm Out" by REO speedwagon plays over the speakers. Debris makes his way out of the house and heads towards the ring. He high fives a few of the fans along the way and enters the ring. He stands in one of the corners and starts to stretch, waiting for his opponent. The music dies down and Annie continues.
Annie: And his opponent, claiming to be from the future, weighing in at 114 pounds, Abby Evans!!!
"Paint it Black" by Ciara hits the speakers as Abby makes her way into the yard. She has a look of confidence has she walks to the ring. She gets up on the apron and grabs the top rope. She leans back and the somersault flips over the top rope. The fans cheer a little at the new comer's agility. Zybala stops the music and Annie gets out of the ring. Mitch calls for the bell and leans in the corner and lights up a joint.
Zybala: And here we go. First match of the night.
Dean: And first Outsider's match for both of these Suckas. Let's see how Abby stacks up against the veteran from that other, less popular OCW.
Zybala: You know, they DID close. You beat Buffet and Welsh. Let it go.
Dean:......... I can't.
Debris steps out from the corner and offers a handshake to Abby. She stares at it dubiously, but eventually accepts the gesture and shakes back. No sneak attacks happen as Debris releases Abby's hand and starts to circle her, looking for an opening. He spreads his arms as if going in for the traditional collar and elbow lockup, but Abby takes advantage of his open torso and kicks him hard in the stomach. Debris doubles over in pain and Abby lands a clubbing forearm smash to his back. Debris drops to the mat and Abby continues her attack by stomping away at her opponent.
Dean: After a rare showing of good sportsmanship, the opening moment of this match has been nothing but the lady from the future.
Zybala: I'm mad she didn't get me a JDF autograph. He's the greatest Ranger that ever was.
Dean: Ignoring your fan boy boner, Abby is still treating Debris like its Weasel Stomping Day.
Indeed Abby is still laying the boots to Debris. Mitch walks over and pulls Abby away from Debris. She looks confused and glares at Mitch.
Mitch: What's with the harshness? Dude is trying to take a nap. He can't sleep with you kicking him.
Abby: Sleeping?!? I was beating him down! This is a wrestling match! That's what I'm supposed to do! Are you Fuding high?!
Mitch starts to giggle as he nods and holds up his blunt. He offers it to Abby but she only continues to glare. Debris slowly gets to his feet and makes a gesture towards the blunt. Mitch, being the chill dude that he is, hands over the blunt and Debris takes a long, deep drag. He holds in the smoke for a moment and then exhales. He then takes another drag as Mitch holds out his hand, wanting his pot back. Debris ignores the ref and takes another long hit. This starts to anger Mitch.
Mitch: Easy greed machine. It's puff, puff, pass, not take long drags, inhale, repeat. Give me my pot.
Mitch makes another grab for his blunt, but Debris continues to hog the blunt. Mitch finally loses his cool and punches Debris right in the nose. Debris drops the blunt as he grabs his nose and moans in pain. Mitch bends over to pick up his blunt and Abby hops over him to jump on Debris to hit him with a Lou Thesz Press. Both competitors fall to the mat with Abby on top, running down punches and forearms onto Debris. Mitch is cheering her on the entire time as are the fans. Abby stands up while dragging Debris up with her. She then lifts him up for a powerbomb but starts to lose her balance, but Mitch is there to help Abby out. He wraps one arm around Abby's back to steady her and uses his other arm to grab Debris. Both wrestler and ref then charge towards the corner and hit Debris with a double corner powerbomb.
Dean: This is clear biased towards Abby. You told me Mitch would be impartial when you asked me to hire him.
Zybala: I also said that no one should ever mess with his pot.
Dean:.......... Oh yeah. You did say that.
Zybala: See? This is what happens.
Debris is barely standing in the corner, weak on his feet. Abby stands in the opposite corner, lines up her opponent, and charges in with a double knee strike right to Debris' chest! He falls to the mat in pain and starts having a violent coughing fit. Abby ascends the corner and leaps off the top turnbuckle with a beautiful moonsault! She lands perfectly on Debris and makes the cover. Mitch doesn't even bother checking the shoulders. He just counts to three very quickly and calls for the bell.
Annie: Your winner, Abby Evans! It's time for intermission
Zybala plays "Paint It Black " on YouTube again as Mitch raises Abby's hand in victory. Both competitors start to leave the ring when a voice can be heard from the house's back door.
Voice: What the hell?
Everyone looks towards the voice and we see a guy in khakis and a dress shirt with a clipboard and a middle aged laThe Yardies slowly get to their feet and start moaning and groaning like the living dead. We see fear wash over the intruders faces as they are scared stiff. As the "zombies" draw closer, the fear is broken and both the Realtor and client run back into the house, shutting the door behind them. A moment later, we hear tires peeling off as everyone cheers and drinks beer. Dean pulls out his cellphone and calls the local police station to inform them that they are filming a zombie movie and someone saw them and might report a zombie outbreak. Dean apologizes for the inconvenience and hangs up. He then gives the crowd a thumbs up and everyone cheers again. Intermission happens, people get food and use the porto-potties then go back to their seats. Annie enters the ring again and does her thing.
Annie: The following match is your main event of the evening and scheduled for one fall!
Yardies: One Fall!
Annie: Coming to the ring first, he too comes from the Mobile Storm Chasing R.V.! He is Vortex!
"Winds of Change" by Scorpions starts playing over the speakers and Vortex enters the yard. He looks extremely focused and heads straight to the ring, ignoring the fans as he walks passed them. He goes in the ring and waits patiently in the corner for his opponent. The music dies down and Annie continues.
Annie: And his opponent, hailing from the year 3030, weighing in at 205 pounds. This is Valhalla!
Zybala messes with the laptop and "Devilman No Uta" starts playing. A few moments pass before Valhalla makes his way into the yard, looking tired and worn out. He slowly makes his way into the ring and the music stops and Valhalla asks Annie for the microphone. She hands it over and leaves the ring. Valhalla looks at Vortex.
Valhalla: You! Seventeen times I have faced you and sixteen times I have lost! Ten by dq, two by count out and four by you cheating with a sneaky pin and grabbing my pants! But I finally figured out how to defeat you in this timeline. You should give up now because you have no chance!
Vortex looks confused then saddened, before he starts to exit the ring. Dean starts yelling at Vortex to fight and they started argue about the validity of time travel. Finally, Vortex turns around only to get met with a superkick from Valhalla! Vortex drops like a ton of bricks and Valhalla drags him to the corner. He then climbs to the top turnbuckle and leaps off with a picture perfect Phoenix Splash!
Zybala: Something Beautiful! The Time Traveler is gonna get the fastest win in OCW history thanks to a distraction from Dean!
Dean: It's just a goddamned gimmick! He's not a time traveller!
Valhalla covers Vortex and Mitch makes the count.
Mitch: One...
Two...
Three!!!
The bell rings and Valhalla jumps in the air in victory. Valhalla's music plays as Mitch raises his hand. The fans cheer and start filing out of the yard to they wash the zombie makeup off. Before everyone leaves, Zybala cuts off the music and Dean grabs a microphone to address everyone.
Dean: Thank you Suckas for being part of our dream. We appreciate watchband everyone one of you, and to show our appreciation, we have a special surprise for everyone at the next show. Keep on eye on our website for more details!
Dean then puts the mic down and thats the end of the show.
We open up in the yard. It's a nice, mild day; as most days are here in The Yard. The Mariachi band is playing music to entertain the Yardies, who are already in their seats, with most of the adults having beers in hand. Mitch is getting in the ring. Zybala is at the refrigerator box they call the announce table, trusty laptop at hand ready to play the theme songs. Commissioner Annie is chilling in her bean bag chair playing around with her cellphone. Emilio is unseen behind the camera. Eastern European is standing by a running generator giving the camera what he would call "The biggest of the up thumbs." There is even two porto-potties at the far end of the yard. Don't ask where we acquired them from. Just assume it was legal. Zybala signals the band and they stop playing. He then clicks the laptop mouse a few times and "Da Funk" starts playing over the speakers. The fans cheer as President Dean makes his way from the back of the house, microphone in hand. He has a somber look to him. He is followed by the wrestlers who stop half way to the ring as Dean continues. The music stops as Dean enters the ring.
Dean: Ladies and gentlemen. Recently, we have had a horrible tragedy here in Florida. Now I don't want to get into any type of debate about mental health or gun control, you all didn't come here for that. All we here at OCW ask of you is to please stand and observe a moment of silence followed by a ten bell salute for the victims of this, and every other tragedy.
The Yardies and OCW staff rise as Dean lowers his head. Everyone follows suit and for a full two minutes, everyone is relatively quiet. We can hear a few people crying and we see people near them putting arms around their shoulders. The silence is broken when Zybala pulls out an old, rusted ring bell and a hammer. He hits the bell ten slow times and then sits down.
Dean: Thank you. Now let's get on with the show!
Dean exits the ring as the wrestlers return to the house. Dean takes his place next to Zybala as Annie gets into the ring.
Annie: The following match is scheduled for one fall! Coming to the ring first, getting clues from the shady corners of the dark streets, this is "The Detective" Jack Puffer!
Zybala plays the theme song from "Inspector Gadget" and Puffer exit the house to enter the yard. The fans cheer as they recognize the other OCW detective. He is high-fiving the fans on his way to the ring and rolls in under the ropes. Puffer gets to his feet and raises his arms as the fans cheer more. The music stops and Annie continues....
Annie: And his opponent, hailing from a really shorty home life in Key West, Florida. Weighing in at 155 pounds, he is just another masked guy, JAM G!!!
The Yardies cheer as "No One Knows" hits the speakers and JAM G jumps over the fence and leaps into view. He doesn’t get much height. He lands on both feet and looks around, mysteriously. The crowd chants “JAM G!” JAM G rushes toward the ring and slides in. He pops to his feet and continues to look around mysteriously. Annie exits the ring and Mitch calls for the bell.
Zybala: And here we go! JAM G versus Puffer!
Dean: Puffer is looking to make an impact in his first match here in Outsiders.
Zybala: And JAM G, despite being in the first ever Outsiders match, is looking for his first win in the yard. This should be a good'un.
Puffer and JAM G circle each other for a moment before locking up. They struggle against each other to test each others strength. They appear to be equal as they let go. The two lock up again, this time Puffer has the upper hand as he pushes JAM G into the ropes who bounces back and tries a shoulder block, but Puffer barely moves. JAM G stands his ground and taunts Puffer to try to knock him down. Puffer charges at the ropes, bounces off them, and crashes into JAM G who moves, but not much. They stare each other down then both bend down, hit the mat with their hands, then run towards opposite ropes. They bounce back and collide in the middle of the ring with another lock up! They struggle against each other for a long time. Soon, the Yardies start to boo and chant boring.
Zybala: After trying to size each other up, we have reached a stalemate after both guys tried to use a strong style version of a collar and elbow lockup!
Dean: Strong style nothing! Like these suckas are chanting, this Poop is boring.
As JAM G and Puffer continue to grapple, we can hear a loud roar from the next yard. The boos turn to cheer as Zybala looks terrified and starts to hide behind the refrigerator box. Dean looks annoyed as hell. Suddenly, the wooden fence behind the Yardies explodes into splinters as a large person wearing a hairy beast costume, and a large squash costume over it menacingly stomps into the yard.
Dean: What the Fudge! You told me that this thing happens only when both masked white guy fall to cut a promo! I count only one!
Zybala: The last time must have been enough to awaken the beast from its slumber!
The Squash-ness Monster makes its way towards the ring and JAM G, remembering his last encounter with the beast, looks fearful. He quickly throws Puffer out of the ring towards the monster. Puffer lands out of the ring right at the feet of Squash-ness. JAM G begs Mitch to start a ten count. Mitch does because why not. As our favorite stoned ref counts, Squash-ness is stomping away on Puffer, then decides to pick up the Detective. He wraps his massive paw around the throat of Puffer and lifts him high in the air and drops him with a devastating chokeslam! The monster then turns it's attention to JAM G and makes its way into the ring. Just as Squash-ness gets in the ring, Mitch gets to the count of ten and calls for the bell. JAM G cheers as he gets out of the ring and the hell out of the yard, running towards the house at full speed. Squash-ness shrugs and leaves the ring. Just like last time, the beast kicks and punches another hole in the fence as it makes its exit. Dean looks pissed then motions towards the Mariachi band who grab some nearby lumber and nails and get to work on mending the holes.
Annie: Your winner via count out, JAM G! We shall now take a brief intermission.
The fans get out of their chairs to stand and stretch, some head to the porto-potties. Eastern European has a grill going and making hotdogs and burgers.
EE: Come and buying your dogs of hotness and steamed hams! Two American dollars of pieces!
People line up for food as Dean is still complaining at Zybala about the monster. Suddenly, we see a well dressed couple enter the yard with a lady dressed in a blazer. She is holding a folder and addressing the well to do couple, not paying attention to the yard.
Folder Lady: And this is the backyard. It's spacious for little ones to run around........ What the hell is this?!?!
The Realtor finally turns around and looks in the yard, seeing the crowd and wrestling ring. Dean and Zybala stop arguing and see the new people. They both begin to panic as the well to do man starts to speak.
Gentleman: Well I say. I do believe that we've stumbled upon a upstart wrestling promotion.
Wife: Oh how quaint. Isn't that what [real name edited out for legal reasons] does?
Gentleman: I do believe you are correct dear. What is the name he uses? It's on the tip of my tongue. Shadow......something.
Wife: Shadow Dancer.
Gentleman: That's it! The Shadow Dancer.
Wife: He acts ever so proud of his wrestling. Shall we stay and see what the all the fuss is?
Gentleman: I say we shall. (In Dean's direction) I say, you boy. Who is in charge here?
Dean and Zybala walk over. The Realtor is dumbfounded at what is transpiring.
Dean: That would be me sir.
Gentleman: My wife and I would like to watch the remainder of your little show. How much is it?
Dean: Tell you what. If we can keep us using the yard our little secret, no charge at all.
Gentleman: Splendid! I'm sure that will be no problem. What say you Rebecca?
Realtor: (trying to please the rich people) No problem at all Mr. Schmidtenberg.
Dean: Wonderful! Let me show you to your seats.
Dean leads the trio to some seats as everyone starts settling back to their own chairs. Intermission is coming to a close and Annie steps into the ring.
Annie: The following match is scheduled for one fall and it's our Main Event of the evening! Coming to the ring first, he hails from the seedy under ground of Hollywood! This is John E. Depth!
Zybala clicks away at the trusty laptop and cues up "I Touch Myself" by The Devinyls. The fans boo as Depth emerges from the house into the yard, accompanied by two of his....ahem....."starlets" The C squad of a Wednesday night at a strip club flank Depth on his way to the ring. They hold the ropes apart for Depth to enter and Zybala cuts the music as Depth smack talks the crowd.
Annie: And his opponent, comes from Lewiston, Maine, weighing 115 pounds, this is "Welfare Hustle" Guy Cashe!!
"Niggaz Jump Up" get played on YouTube and out comes the most ghetto, thug-tastic looking sadness you will ever see in your life. The crowd boos as this scrawny white boy struts to the ring dressed in the most stereotypical whiteboy "thug" get up imaginable. He gets in the ring and acts as if he is getting cheered. He winks at Annie, obviously not remembering how she has nothing but disdain for him. Annie exists the ring and Mitch goes to check Depth for weapons.
Zybala: Good call from Mitch. In the other OCW, John E. was notorious for bringing weapons to the ring.
Dean: Didn't you hit him with the dildo bat from Saints Row when you faced him?
Zybala: ..........and Mitch gives the thumbs up and moves on to check Guy.
Mitch begins to check Cashe, all the while giving him a stern lecture about not sexually harassing his opponents. When Mitch is done with his check and lecture and Guy looking somewhat embarrased, Mitch calls for the bell.
Zybala: And here we go Deano! Main event time!
Dean: It looks to be a good one. Newcomer Depth against OCW original Guy Cashe.
Cashe and Depth circle each other for a little bit before locking up with the traditional collar and elbow. They struggle against one another for a bit when Cashe gets the upper hand and gets Depth in a headlock. Mitch goes to check if it's kosher and gives Cashe a pat on the back.
Mitch: Keep them hands clean buddy.
Cashe gives a thumbs up but quickly remembers that he has Depth in a headlock and returns his hand to the other. Depth is struggling as he flails his arms around, which seem to be getting slower by the moment.
Zybala: Could we see someone actually lose to a headlock??
Dean: Only in Outsiders, sucka!
Mitch goes to lift the now prone Depth's arm. It falls. Mitch does this a second time with the same result. Before he can do it a third time, Depth's "ladies", if you can call then that, start yelling and cheering for John E. to stay in this. The fans boo as they don't like either guy for obvious reasons. However, it's the "starlets" yelling that gets the attention of Guy. He looks over just as Mitch raises Depth's arm a third time, but before it falls, Cashe realises the hold and Depth falls to the canvas. Guy walks over to the porn "stars" and tries to work as much swagger as he can, which is absolute zero. In his mind, however.... He's the Poop.
Dean: I can't believe it! Guy had his first win in his grasp, but he let's it go just to talk with the Fuding ladies?!?
Zybala: Guy may have finally met women with standards so low that he might have a slim chance. With someone like Guy, that opportunity is so rare, you gotta take the chance when it presents itself!
While Guy is busy chatting with the ladies, Depth has recovered and slowly getting to his feet. The porno girls see this and start flirting back with Cashe to distract him. When he notices that his pickup lines are working, Guy grins wider and lays on the charm even more. Depth, using the distraction to his full advantage, goes behind Cashe and wraps him up with a Full Nelson! He drags Cashe away from the ropes and sinches in the hold as Guy struggles.
Zybala: I understand why Guy did it for the reasons I just said, but this is still wrestling. Never turn your back on your opponent!
Dean: You got that right partner, and now that sucka is caught in the dreaded Father Nelson.
Zybala: Ummm, it's actually called a Full Nelson.
Dean: Not when Depth does is. Just you watch.
Guy is struggling against the hold when a look of confusion spreads over his face. The confusion turns to horror and Guy starts flailing and kicking around. He lands a solid backkick to Depth's knee which causes the porn director to release the hold. Guy quickly goes into a corner with his back pressed firmly against the turnbuckles. He looks scared and violated. Mitch looks at him confused. Guy points at Depth with fear and horror in his eyes.
Cashe: He was trying to Fudge me!!
Mitch looks at Depth and there is an obvious bulge in his pants. Dean gives Zybala an "I told you so" look as Mitch losses his Poop and begins to yell at Depth about sexual harassment during matches. Mitch hasn't has any pot this match, and tends to get cranky when he's sober. Depth doesn't pay attention to the rer as he moves around Mitch and charges at Guy, who is still in the corner. Depth lowers his shoulders as he nears the corner but Guy moves out of the way at the last second. Depth crashes into the ring post and staggers backwards holding his freshly injured shoulder. He turns around and walks right into a boot to the stomach, courtesy of Guy Cashe. Depth doubles over and Guy puts his head between his legs.
Dean: I think I know what's coming next sucka.
Zybala: A back body drop? Maybe a pedigree? Can't be a powerbomb. You know this never works with Guy.
Guy wraps his arms around Depth's waist and heaves him up with all the ghetto strength he can muster. Guy manages to lift Depth up but doesn't hold him very long. Guy's scrawny arms waiver and lose their grip on Depth, who gets dropped back to the ground hard. It's the second most awkward power bomb ever, only behind the time Kevin Nash powerbombed The Giant in WCW. Cashe is just standing there in shock and even some of the crowd cheers, but most still boo.
Zybala: No Fuding way!!
Dean: Do you got a mother Fuding dollar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He finally hits it!!
Zybala: (yelling towards the ring) Don't just stand there you tard! Cover him!
Guy quickly shakes off the shock and covers Depth. Mitch goes for the count.
Mitch: 1........
2......
3!!!!!!
Annie:(no enthusiasm whatsoever) Here's your winner, Guy Cashe...
The crowd boos and some cheer as Guy jumps up and down like he just became the new OCW champ. Zybala cues "Niggaz Jump Up" and Guy relishes in his moment before handing back to the house.
Zybala: Well folks, it's been a good night of action here in the yard. I'm Mike Zybala...
Dean: And I'm President Dean. We'll see all you Suckas next time.
Episode 9
The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, it's another beautiful day in the yard. You know what that means boys and girls. It's time for another installment of OCW Dystopia! The Mariachi Band is playing a mariachi version of The Final Countdown by Europe and the Yardies are digging it. The community cooler is filled with Labatt Blue Beer because Fudge Pabst Blue Ribbon. But something is..... different. The Yardies are all in makeup, looking like extras in The Walking Dead. If you're not understanding; they look like zombies. Zybala is at his usual possition behind the announce "table" tapping away at his laptop getting theme music ready. He too is in makeup. The Mariachi band finishes playing and Zybala cues up "Da Funk." President Dean emerges from the house in torn, blood stain clothes and zombie makeup. He makes his way to the ring, high-fiving the fans on his way. Dean gets in the ring and Zybala stops the music. Dean pulls a microphone from his back pocket and let's get this show on the road!
Dean: YEEEEAAHH!! WHATS UP SUCKAS?!?! Welcome to another action packed Dystopia! Now I know you all are wondering why we painted you all up like the undead. Well, we heard a rumor that there is going to be another Realtor coming some time today to show off the house, and if somebody likes it, there goes the dream. So if anyone shows up, you all do your best zombie impression and slowly walk after them to scare them off.
Random Fan: What if one of them has a gun?
Dean: Then I yell cut and start yelling at the people that they ruined a two hour take. Make like we're filming a movie on location. Emilio has some good looking fake documents saying we have permission to be here for the day.
Random Fan: What if they shoot before you can smooth things over?
Dean: Then we will pay for all medical expenses.
Random Fan: But what if...
Dean: YOU SHUT YOUR Fuding DICK HOLSTER!! NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN! ON WITH THE SHOW!!
Dean exits the ring as Annie enters. She stands in the middle of the ring and does her thing.
Annie: The following match is scheduled for one fall!
The Yardies: ONE FALL!
Annie: Coming to the ring first, hailing from the Mobile Storm Chasing R.V., this is Debris!
Zybala clicks on the laptop and "Riding The Storm Out" by REO speedwagon plays over the speakers. Debris makes his way out of the house and heads towards the ring. He high fives a few of the fans along the way and enters the ring. He stands in one of the corners and starts to stretch, waiting for his opponent. The music dies down and Annie continues.
Annie: And his opponent, claiming to be from the future, weighing in at 114 pounds, Abby Evans!!!
"Paint it Black" by Ciara hits the speakers as Abby makes her way into the yard. She has a look of confidence has she walks to the ring. She gets up on the apron and grabs the top rope. She leans back and the somersault flips over the top rope. The fans cheer a little at the new comer's agility. Zybala stops the music and Annie gets out of the ring. Mitch calls for the bell and leans in the corner and lights up a joint.
Zybala: And here we go. First match of the night.
Dean: And first Outsider's match for both of these Suckas. Let's see how Abby stacks up against the veteran from that other, less popular OCW.
Zybala: You know, they DID close. You beat Buffet and Welsh. Let it go.
Dean:......... I can't.
Debris steps out from the corner and offers a handshake to Abby. She stares at it dubiously, but eventually accepts the gesture and shakes back. No sneak attacks happen as Debris releases Abby's hand and starts to circle her, looking for an opening. He spreads his arms as if going in for the traditional collar and elbow lockup, but Abby takes advantage of his open torso and kicks him hard in the stomach. Debris doubles over in pain and Abby lands a clubbing forearm smash to his back. Debris drops to the mat and Abby continues her attack by stomping away at her opponent.
Dean: After a rare showing of good sportsmanship, the opening moment of this match has been nothing but the lady from the future.
Zybala: I'm mad she didn't get me a JDF autograph. He's the greatest Ranger that ever was.
Dean: Ignoring your fan boy boner, Abby is still treating Debris like its Weasel Stomping Day.
Indeed Abby is still laying the boots to Debris. Mitch walks over and pulls Abby away from Debris. She looks confused and glares at Mitch.
Mitch: What's with the harshness? Dude is trying to take a nap. He can't sleep with you kicking him.
Abby: Sleeping?!? I was beating him down! This is a wrestling match! That's what I'm supposed to do! Are you Fuding high?!
Mitch starts to giggle as he nods and holds up his blunt. He offers it to Abby but she only continues to glare. Debris slowly gets to his feet and makes a gesture towards the blunt. Mitch, being the chill dude that he is, hands over the blunt and Debris takes a long, deep drag. He holds in the smoke for a moment and then exhales. He then takes another drag as Mitch holds out his hand, wanting his pot back. Debris ignores the ref and takes another long hit. This starts to anger Mitch.
Mitch: Easy greed machine. It's puff, puff, pass, not take long drags, inhale, repeat. Give me my pot.
Mitch makes another grab for his blunt, but Debris continues to hog the blunt. Mitch finally loses his cool and punches Debris right in the nose. Debris drops the blunt as he grabs his nose and moans in pain. Mitch bends over to pick up his blunt and Abby hops over him to jump on Debris to hit him with a Lou Thesz Press. Both competitors fall to the mat with Abby on top, running down punches and forearms onto Debris. Mitch is cheering her on the entire time as are the fans. Abby stands up while dragging Debris up with her. She then lifts him up for a powerbomb but starts to lose her balance, but Mitch is there to help Abby out. He wraps one arm around Abby's back to steady her and uses his other arm to grab Debris. Both wrestler and ref then charge towards the corner and hit Debris with a double corner powerbomb.
Dean: This is clear biased towards Abby. You told me Mitch would be impartial when you asked me to hire him.
Zybala: I also said that no one should ever mess with his pot.
Dean:.......... Oh yeah. You did say that.
Zybala: See? This is what happens.
Debris is barely standing in the corner, weak on his feet. Abby stands in the opposite corner, lines up her opponent, and charges in with a double knee strike right to Debris' chest! He falls to the mat in pain and starts having a violent coughing fit. Abby ascends the corner and leaps off the top turnbuckle with a beautiful moonsault! She lands perfectly on Debris and makes the cover. Mitch doesn't even bother checking the shoulders. He just counts to three very quickly and calls for the bell.
Annie: Your winner, Abby Evans! It's time for intermission
Zybala plays "Paint It Black " on YouTube again as Mitch raises Abby's hand in victory. Both competitors start to leave the ring when a voice can be heard from the house's back door.
Voice: What the hell?
Everyone looks towards the voice and we see a guy in khakis and a dress shirt with a clipboard and a middle aged laThe Yardies slowly get to their feet and start moaning and groaning like the living dead. We see fear wash over the intruders faces as they are scared stiff. As the "zombies" draw closer, the fear is broken and both the Realtor and client run back into the house, shutting the door behind them. A moment later, we hear tires peeling off as everyone cheers and drinks beer. Dean pulls out his cellphone and calls the local police station to inform them that they are filming a zombie movie and someone saw them and might report a zombie outbreak. Dean apologizes for the inconvenience and hangs up. He then gives the crowd a thumbs up and everyone cheers again. Intermission happens, people get food and use the porto-potties then go back to their seats. Annie enters the ring again and does her thing.
Annie: The following match is your main event of the evening and scheduled for one fall!
Yardies: One Fall!
Annie: Coming to the ring first, he too comes from the Mobile Storm Chasing R.V.! He is Vortex!
"Winds of Change" by Scorpions starts playing over the speakers and Vortex enters the yard. He looks extremely focused and heads straight to the ring, ignoring the fans as he walks passed them. He goes in the ring and waits patiently in the corner for his opponent. The music dies down and Annie continues.
Annie: And his opponent, hailing from the year 3030, weighing in at 205 pounds. This is Valhalla!
Zybala messes with the laptop and "Devilman No Uta" starts playing. A few moments pass before Valhalla makes his way into the yard, looking tired and worn out. He slowly makes his way into the ring and the music stops and Valhalla asks Annie for the microphone. She hands it over and leaves the ring. Valhalla looks at Vortex.
Valhalla: You! Seventeen times I have faced you and sixteen times I have lost! Ten by dq, two by count out and four by you cheating with a sneaky pin and grabbing my pants! But I finally figured out how to defeat you in this timeline. You should give up now because you have no chance!
Vortex looks confused then saddened, before he starts to exit the ring. Dean starts yelling at Vortex to fight and they started argue about the validity of time travel. Finally, Vortex turns around only to get met with a superkick from Valhalla! Vortex drops like a ton of bricks and Valhalla drags him to the corner. He then climbs to the top turnbuckle and leaps off with a picture perfect Phoenix Splash!
Zybala: Something Beautiful! The Time Traveler is gonna get the fastest win in OCW history thanks to a distraction from Dean!
Dean: It's just a goddamned gimmick! He's not a time traveller!
Valhalla covers Vortex and Mitch makes the count.
Mitch: One...
Two...
Three!!!
The bell rings and Valhalla jumps in the air in victory. Valhalla's music plays as Mitch raises his hand. The fans cheer and start filing out of the yard to they wash the zombie makeup off. Before everyone leaves, Zybala cuts off the music and Dean grabs a microphone to address everyone.
Dean: Thank you Suckas for being part of our dream. We appreciate watchband everyone one of you, and to show our appreciation, we have a special surprise for everyone at the next show. Keep on eye on our website for more details!
Dean then puts the mic down and thats the end of the show.
