Post by zybala on Mar 19, 2024 8:22:04 GMT -5
~ Holy Poop! Can you believe it? DYSTOPIA 25!! I can't believe I haven't given up on this. Thank you for being a part of this weird, goofy, beautiful journey. But you didn't come here for mushy sentiment. You came for action!! And that's what you'll get!! The weather is cooperating, because even Mother Nature loves Outsiders. What's that? Mother Nature isn't real or capable of love? You can get the Fudge out of here with that negativity!! The Yardies have already shambled into Yard and have got a good buzz going; taking advantage of the free beer. As always, The Eastern European and Emilio are manning the grills to bring the live crowd as much hot action for their mouths as our wrestlers do for their eyes!! Yeah, you know you're jealous of that hot, delicious mouth action. The port-o-potties have been cleaned and sanitized, cuz we take care of our Yardies.
The Mariachi Band is giving a great mariachi rendition of "The Nowhere Generation", the unofficial theme song of Outsiders! The fans are trying to drunkenly sing along. Mitch and Belvedere are waiting in the ring, Belvedere is looking professional as always, and Mitch…well, isn't. He is busy getting high. The refrigerator box/announcer table is standing proudly. Behind the "table" is the original Outsider Dean. He's joined as always by Mike Zybala. Both men are ecstatic to finally start this landmark show! ~
Zybala: What's up everybody?! Welcome back to The Yard once again for another Dystopia!!
Dean: EPISODE 25!! WHAT WHAT!! Nobody thought we'd last this long, sucka!!
Zybala: No they didn't, Dean-o! And those jerks can choke on their glass of Hater-ade! We ain't going nowhere!!
Dean: Fudge Yeah!! In fact, we proving that we're here to stay by having a little tag team tournament for our vacant straps!
Zybala: We managed to get 16 teams from both OCWs to compete. Yardies and Main Rosters teaming up to try to win one of the many prizes!
Dean: We got the tag belts! We got a shot at the world title! We got the vacant Omega X title! We got a shot at the Craze belt!! We like Oprah up in this bitch!!
Zybala: Tonight you will see two tournament matches as The Super Radio Brothers take on THE SON OF THE PROCTOLOGIST and Arachne. Also, it's The Greek Gods versus The Crustacean Syndicate!
Dean: And we got a World Title main event! The SuckaLord Allton will defend his Outsiders World Championship against the dude who fought in the very first Outsiders match, JAM G! But enough jibba jabber! Let's get this Poop started!!
Zybala: Belvedere! The floor is yours!
~ The camera cuts to the ring as Belvedere slowly raises the microphone for dramatic effect. Y'all heard Dean. Let's get this Poop started!! ~
Belvedere: Hello Outsiders! Welcome to another Dystopia! The following match is a first round match in The Marcus Welsh Appreciation Tag Team Tournament and it is scheduled for one fall!
Yardies: ONE FALL!!!
Belvedere: Coming to the ring first….. from under the sea…. They will make you sleep with the fishes… weighing in at a combined total of all the purest lobster and crab meat you can think of…. The Mobster Lobster and The Clingy Crab…. They are THE CRUSTACEAN SYNDICATE!!!
~ starts to play over the speakers as The Mobster and Crab make their way out of the house to a mix of boos and cheers. They struggle a bit as their costumes get snagged in the doorway. They finally get loose and make their way down the lawn towards the ring. The Crab tries hugging people while The Lobster waves his new "tommy gun" at fans who try to high five him. After much struggle and many minutes, the pair finally get between the ropes and enter the ring. The music stops and Belvedere continues while Mitch has a mini freak out due to The Syndicate looking like actual anthropomorphic crustaceans; at least to his stoned mind. ~
Belvedere: And their opponents…. Hailing from Mount Olympus…. At a combined weight of, according to them, 476 pounds of pure, godly muscle…..This is Zeus and Hades… THE GREEK GODS!!!
~ Metallica's "Master of Puppets" starts to play before Zybala says 'oh Poop' and plays "Enter Sandman" The Yard erupts with cheers as Zeus and Hades strut out of the house. The drunker of the fans drop to their knees and bow to The Gods while shouting "we're not worthy" routine. The Gods approve. They make their way to the ring as Hades slides under the ropes and wiggles his tongue around, trying to look menacing as Zeus climbs to the middle ropes, throwing a fist in the air. They then stand in the ring flexing for the crowd, showing the most miniscule of definition. ~
Dean: Do the Gods look bigger to you?
Zybala: I wouldn't say bigger… Maybe they actually did a push up or two?
Dean: Good to see the suckas are taking this tourney seriously.
~ The music stops and The Gods turn to face their opponents and jump back in surprise when they see The Syndicate. Zeus starts yelling about agents of Poseidon as Mitch calls for the bell. Enraged about his other brother's betrayal, Hades charges at The Mobster and The Crab. He attacks them with flailing fists which stagger The Mobster Lobster backwards, leaving Hades to focus on the Clingy Crab. While Hades is actually having the upper hand on someone for once in his life, The Lobster raises his tommy gun and starts to point it at Hades, only to have it knocked away by a Lighting Bolt Chop from Zeus! The Gods are pummeling away at The Crustacean Syndicate, driving them back into the ropes. The Yardies are speechless as nobody expected this much tenacity from Hades and Zeus! The Clingy Crab holds up a claw as if asking for a breather as Lobster leans on the ropes. Zeus and Hades ignored the plea as they charge at The Crustaceans and clothesline the pair over the ropes Cactus Jack style! All four hit the grass and the Gods quickly get to their feet! ~
Zybala: So far it's been nothing but complete control from Zeus and Hades!
Dean: Those suckas want to move on in the tourney! Especially Zeus who is always in the final four of every Outsiders Battle Royal. He want that glory!
~ Hades is kicking away at the Mobster Lobster as Zeus drags The Crab up and puts its head between his legs. He positions himself in front of The Lobster and tells Hades to hop on the apron. When Hades does, we see every vein pop out and muscle bulge on Zeus's body as he struggles to lift The Clingy Crab up. It takes much effort, but Zeus manages to lift The Crab up for a piledriver! Hades hops off of the apron and drives The Crab down as Zeus falls with a spike piledriver, driving The Crab right onto The Lobster's chest! Zeus frees himself from the tangle of bodies and rolls into the ring as Hades follows. The pair start urging Mitch to make a ten count which he slowly does, taking a long hit of his blunt between each number.
The Gods stare on anxiously as Mitch gets to three as The Syndicate starts coming to.
5!
The Mobster is back on his feet and urging the Crab up.
6!
The pair try sliding in the ring but are stopped by their bulky costumes.
7!
The Crab tries to take off its head, only to be stopped by The Mobster who starts yelling at him about commitment to the gimmick.
8!
The Crab pushes The Lobster away and tries to take off its costume once again!
9! The Mobster Lobster spears The Clingy Crab to the grass and the pair start a hilarious fight as pincers and claws flail about!
TEN!!!!!
The bell rings and Hades and Zeus stare at each other in shock! The fans are shocked! Did this really just happen?? Everyone looks at Belvedere for the official ruling. ~
Belvedere: Here are your winners by way of countout….. THE GREEK GODS!!!
~ Mitch holds up the arms of The Gods as The Yard explodes with cheers! Zeus and Hades start ugly crying with happiness as they hug each other! The fans are crying! YOU'RE crying! Dean is not. ~
Dean: These suckas are acting as if they won the whole tournament! It's only one round. They won because of goofy ass costumes.
Zybala: That's not the point, my dude. Zeus and Hades have been in Outsiders since 2020 and this is Hades first win in The Yard! Hell, Zeus hasn't won a match here since August of 2020. Let them have their moment.
Dean: I get it, they could just calm it down a little. Save the big tears for if they win.
~ Zeus and Hades leave the ring and start climbing into the crowd, still celebrating! They go to one of the communal coolers and pull out beers. They start doing their best Steve Austin impressions as they crack the cans open and let the cool beer wash over them. The Yardies cheer loudly for them as The Crustacean Syndicate continue to fight at ringside as we cut to a commercial for the Margarita Mixer replay. When we come back, The Syndicate has been ushered from The Yard. Belvedere looks like he's about to start our next match but Zybala stops him. ~
Dean: What's up?
Zybala: The Vivint alarm on my phone just sent me a notification that someone's at the front door.
Dean: Did we have something delivered?
~ Zybala checks his phone for the doorbell cam. He says "It's Welsh" before he gets up and goes into the house. He walks to the front door and opens it. We see Marcus Welsh standing there, looking confused and like he's been having a rough time. ~
Zybala: Marcus! Hey buddy. What are you doing here?
Welsh: I don't know. Life has been so hazy lately. Am I in Buffalo??
Zybala: Nope. You're still in Florida. You're at my Florida house/Outsiders Arena!
Welsh: Ah Poop… not that thing. Outsiders sucks. Everything sucks. Greg left me. He kicked me out saying that I can't afford his lifestyle anymore. I don't even know how I got to this shifty place!
~ Zybala looks visibly hurt at this remark, but he lets it slide. He's more worried about his friend, who is starting to look like he did when OCW was out of business. Welsh barely seems cognizant. ~
Zybala: I'm sorry my friend. Is there anything I can do? Do you need a job??
Welsh: Of course not! Not here! Not ever.
Zybala: Easy, relax! Look, I gotta get back to The Yard, but you can hang in here for a bit, if you want…
Welsh: Well, I am waiting on my ride so, okay. Maybe I'll sit around for a bit.
Zybala: Okay buddy. Come on in.
~ Zybala leads Welsh into the house and in the living room. He helps Welsh onto the couch and slips a blanket on him. Zybala turns on the TV and Netflix and starts to play Bridgerton for Welsh to watch. Welsh smiles a tiny bit at the cultured show. Zybala goes into the kitchen pantry and gets a can of Spaghetti-Os. He opens it, grabs a fork and brings it to Welsh, who tears up a little at the gesture. Welsh begins to devour the treat as Zybala heads back outside. He sits next to Dean. ~
Dean: All cool?
Zybala: Yeah. Welsh is watching TV as he waits for a ride to pick him up.
Dean: Aight. Let's get the bitch rolling again. Belvedere, you're up, m'man!
Belvedere: The following match is a first round match in The Marcus Welsh Appreciation Tag Team Tournament and it is scheduled for one fall!
Yardies: ONE FALL!!!
Belvedere: Coming to the ring first….. From the oddest corner of The Big Bifford's mind….. weighing in at combined weight of somewhere between 200 and 600 pounds…. they are THE SON OF THE PROCTOLOGIST and Arachne!!
~ The Yardies mutter at the mention of these relatively unknowns. Zybala hits the random button for YouTube play (it's a thing!) because the duo never filled out an application. youtu.be/js7mx3EgiDU hits the speakers as THE SON OF THE PROCTOLOGIST and Arachne walk out into The Yard to a smattering of polite applause. They get to the ring and do some generic things to try to rally the fans behind them. It's met with a whole bunch of meh. The music stops and Belvedere continues….~
Belvedere: And their opponents….
~ A sudden blast of music fills the yard, a strange song talking about kissing toads? Not only is the Yard confused, but so are the duo of Crash Rodriguez and Easton Alexander. They make their way to the ring, trying to convince the fans that they didn't choose the song. Crash and Easton begin arguing with each other as they try to accuse the other of the change of music. Easton shoves Crash and rolls into the ring, as Crash shakes his head as he makes his way up the steps. ~
Belvedere: Crash Rodriguez and Easton Alexander! The Most Important Tag Team in Outsider's History! The Crooked Dragons!
~ Crash and Easton continue bickering in the ring as Belvedere steps out. A few playground shoves from the both of them occur, but before long they seem to get back on the same page. ~
Zybala: After some technical difficulties and some arguing, it seems that The Crooked Dragons have got their Poop together.
Dean: I dunno. Mitch just asked them suckas who's starting the match and they are arguing again…
~ The Dragons are indeed arguing about who is going to start the match. Arachne is starting the match for his team. Crash tries to argue that Easton hates anything spider related. Easton tells him that Crash is full of Poop. Easton starts to head towards Arachne but is grabbed by Crash and thrown from the ring. Mitch sees Crash as the only member of his team in the ring and calls for the match to start. ~
Zybala: And that's why you never turn your back on Crash Rodriguez!
Dean: How are these suckas gonna be able to win if they can't even work together?
Zybala: Because they actually rped and the other team didn't…
Dean: Good point.
~ Crash locks up with Arachne and quickly starts hitting him with knees to the midsection. Then he switches to forearms strikes to the head, then chops across the chest. Crash is making it look super easy, barely an inconvenience. He gets a little cocky and wraps Arachne in a headlock and starts to actually give him a noogie!!! Arachne gets humiliated and passed as he shoves Crash off of him. Crash stumbles more out of surprise than the actual strength of Arachne, but he stumbles nonetheless. This brings him close to his corner, where a waiting Easton reaches over the top rope and tags himself in. Crash turns around and starts to argue with Easton, who steps into the ring. The two argue before Crash begrudgingly steps to the outside, only to tag himself back in! Easton is pissed and only gets out of the ring when he is warned by Mitch of a disqualification. Crash is back in the ring and taunting Easton, staying just out of arm's reach. He is too busy egging on Easton that he doesn't notice the fresh tagged SON OF THE PROCTOLOGIST rushing up behind him! SON hits Crash with a dropkick, which propels right towards Easton! Crash hits the turnbuckle and Easton tags himself in once more! ~
Dean: This "I'm better than you" Poop is gonna cost these suckas the match!
Zybala: Anything can happen in The Yard.
~ Easton quickly runs across the apron to the opposite turnbuckle before hopping in the ring. No tag backsies this time. Easton laughs loudly in a TOTALLY NORMAL WAY, Fudge YOU!! Crash is too furious at SON to even register that LAUGH that some people might consider weird (coughTLScough!) and despite being the illegal man, rushes at SON. SON runs and tags in Arachne and exits the ring. Crash chases him out onto the lawn! He catches up to him and starts beating him down as Arachne looks on, debating on whether to help his partner. His decision is made for him when Easton grabs him by the head and flips him over the ropes and into the ring. Arachne lands hard on his back as Easton, not wanting to lose this opportunity, drags Arachne to his feet and boots him in the stomach. Arachne doubles over and Easton grabs him with a double underhook! The fans start cheering as Easton lifts up Arachne with the UNBANNED Dragon Driver 98 and drops him on his head!! ~
Dean: DRAGON DRIVER!! That sucka is out cold!
Zybala: The very legal and not life threatening Dragon Driver!
Dean: And the fans agree! They think it's so safe, they want another!
~ The Yardies are in fact chanting One More Time! Being a man of the people, Easton drags Arachne to his feet and hooks the arms once more. Easton pauses to look out of the ring to see Crash hitting SON with The Crash Landing on a particularly nasty looking patch of crabgrass! Easton winces a bit at this. He muses that people call his move dangerous when you got mofos dropping people on crabgrass. He shakes his head before lifting Arachne up and dropping him with a second SAFE Dragon Driver! Easton mercifully covers his opponent and Mitch dives into position. ~
Mitch: One….
Two…..
THREE!!!
~ Mitch calls for the bell as Easton jumps to his feet with his arms in the air. He looks smugly at Crash who is walking towards the ring. ~
Belvedere: Here are your winners and moving on in the Tag Team Tournament…. THE CROOKED DRAGONS!!!
~ Crash looks like he's about to have some words with Easton when music hits the speakers. It's the OCW Radio Theme! The wrong music again! This makes Crash laugh and the tension between both men seems to leave… for the moment at least. We cut to a commercial for Face/Off! The movie. Not the upcoming OCW ppv. ~
~ AAAANNNNDDDD We go back to The Yard. There is a certain energy in the air. The fans are excited. It's not every show that you get a world title match. Belvedere is in the ring, and here we go! ~
Belvedere: The following Hardcore match is scheduled for one fall…
Yardies: ONE FALL
Belvedere: And it is your main event of the evening for the World Championship! Introducing first,.... he is the longest active Outsider on the roster…..he is Just Another Masked Guy…..JAM G!!!
~ Zybala is messing around with his phone, so Dean uses the laptop. He pulls up YOUTUBE and performs a search. “No one knows” by Queens of The Stone Age hits the speaker. The backdoor opens and JAM G leaps into view. He doesn’t get much height. He lands on both feet and looks around, mysteriously. The crowd chants “JAM G!” out of respect for the O.G. Outsider. JAM G rushes toward the ring and slides in. He pops to his feet and continues to look around mysteriously. Dean shoves Zybala, who gets startled. Dean glares at him and Zybala puts his phone away. ~
Zybala: After making his Outsiders debut 5 years ago, JAM G finally gets a shot at the World Champion!
Dean: Will all that training with Bob Grenier help, or will JAM G be just another loser?
~ The music dies down as JAM G stares at the house. He looks determined, focused. This is his moment to gain respect! Belvedere starts to introduce the man who stands in his way to glory. ~
Belvedere: And his opponent…… from The Midlands, England….. weighing in at a healthy 12 stones…. He is your Outsiders Championship Wrestling World Champion…. "The Lord of Dashing" LOOOOOOOOOORD ALLLLTOOON!!!
~ "Devil Inside Me" by Frank Carter and the Rattlesnakes hits the speakers as Allton comes rolling out of the house in his wheelchair, the world title resting on his lap. He makes his way down the lawn, high-fiving the random fan, but he looks as focused as JAM G. Allton parks his chair next to the ring and using the leg braces gifted to him by Zybala, stands up and enters the ring with his world title. Allton holds up the belt to a huge reaction from The Yardies before handing it to an exiting Belvedere. Mitch checks if both wrestlers are ready before calling for the bell to start the match! JAM G and Allton stare at each other with intensity, seeing who will blink first. It's JAM G as he rushes at Allton, and quickly locks up with him. Allton tries using his slight size advantage but JAM G has his feet planted. Allton pushes Eddie (JAM's real name) back a bit but not much. They break the lock up and try again to the same result. They break again and stare at each other then both shrug and start throwing rights and lefts at each other. ~
Dean: Poop broke down real fast sucka!!
Zybala: And the fans can't love it!
~ The Yardies cheer as the two wail away on each other! Both men are swinging and blocking with reckless abandon! Allton briefly gains the upper hand and drives JAM G back. putting JAM on total defensive mode. But Allton gets too cocky and swings with a wild brass knuckle-less L.A.G. punch, trying to end the match early! JAM G ducks and comes back with a scream and an European Uppercut to the world champ! ~
JAM G: SHORYUKEN!!
~ Allton staggers back from the blow and stares at JAM G in shock. Allton asks if JAM really went Street Fighter on him. JAM tells him "You're damn right" then goes for a punch, though less Legendary, of his own! Allton blocks and grabs hold of JAM G's hand and twists it into a wrist lock. The masked fighter struggles as The Lord of Dashin backs him into the ropes and sends him across the ring into the opposite side. JAM G bounces back and hits the champ with a shoulder block, knocking him to the mat! JAM quickly covers Allton as Mitch gets to the mat. ~
Mitch: One……
~ Allton kicks out with authority, shoving JAM off of him. Eddie quickly grabs Allton in a side headlock and keeps the champ on the mat! Mitch checks if the hold is legal and it is. Allton struggles as he tries to pull JAM G's arms off from his neck. ~
Dean: Oh Poop sucka! JAM G almost had that one!
Zybala: I guess all that time with Bob DID help! Nobody expected JAM G to get a pin on the champ, let alone be in control of the match!
Dean: Poop ain't over yet. SuckaLord's got a lot more in the tank.
~ Allton stops trying to pull JAM's arms free and begins to repeatedly punch him in the kidney. After several shots, JAM G can't tough it out and releases the hold. Allton catches his breath as he gets to his feet. He grabs JAM G by the mask and pulls him up to a standing position as well. The Champ then kicks JAM G in the side of the leg. JAM's leg buckles for a second before he returns the kick to Allton's leg! JAM cries out in pain as his foot connects with the METAL leg brace. He limps around a little before Allton sweeps the uninjured leg, knocking JAM G down! Allton grabs JAM G's leg and tries to set him up for a figure four. But as he spins around the leg. JAM G uses his free foot to push Allton off! The masked guy gets back to his feet, gets behind The Equality GM, and wraps his arms around his waist. He tries to lift the champ for a German Suplex but Allton blocks it. JAM G tries again but once again gets blocked. On the third try JAM G lifts with all his might and gets the champ up! JAM G falls backwards, but Allton manages to slip out and backflip out of it!! Allto goes for the quick pin but JAM kicks out as soon as Mitch makes a one count! JAM G quickly gets to his feet and stares at an equally shocked Allton as the fans go crazy! ~
Zybala: Did Allton just backflip?!?
Dean: Dat mother Fudger just did a mother Fuding BACKFLIP!!
Zybala: Will the miracles ever cease with this guy?! He just may be the Jesus of Wrestling after all!
Dean: All I know is that if someone dies in front of me, I'm calling the SuckaLord first to pull a Lazarus on the corpse!
~ JAM G quickly gets over his shock and grabs Allton in a headlock, really cranking it in. Allto struggles for a bit before just lifting JAM G up for a backdrop. The Masked Guy rolls out of it and lands on his feet behind Allton, who quickly turns around. JAM says he can do flippy Poop too and nails Allton with a boot to the gut. Allton doubles over and JAM G pulls him in for a piledriver! The Champ lifts himself up and backdrops JAM G. Allton is quick to go on the attack and stomps away at JAM G before dropping a big elbow aimed right at the heart! The champ then goes for the pin. ~
Mitch: One……..
Two…….
NO!!!!!!
~ JAM G kicks out but Allton is not flustered. He just picks up Allton and whips him into the ropes. When JAM G bounces back, Allton spins going for a discus clothesline which JAM ducks!! He then slides out of the ring and starts rummaging under the ring. JAM pulls out random stuff and tosses it on the lawn. The Yardies cheer when they see all the potential weapons. ~
Dean: Here come the toys, sucka!!!
Zybala: And The Yardies approve!
~ The fans cheer louder as JAM G starts throwing the weapons in the ring. We see garbage can lids, kendo sticks, chairs, and even a Ryobi Hedge Trimmer! The fans get excited about this but boo when Zybala gets up from the announcer "table," walks over and takes his yard tool away. Allton just scoffs at this and slides out himself. He goes under the ring to pull out a ladder, cooking sheets and what looks like an entire Rachel Ray cast iron pot and pan set. Dean laughs as Zybala starts yelling about not using his personal stuff. Allton ignores his friend as he grabs a pot and goes over to JAM G. Allton swings at the masked man who, holding the lid by its sides, barely deflects the blow with a trash can lid. The lid dents almost in half under the weight of the swing and weight of the pot, rendering it almost useless. Almost, because JAM G drives the can hard into Allton's stomach!
Allton drops the pot as he grabs his stomach in pain. JAM G quickly scoops him up and bodyslams him on the grass. Allton lets out a loud yelp of pain and shouts about something as he quickly rolls away. As he does, our camera sees what Allton was screaming about; a big, crumpled patch of crabgrass!! The most dangerous of weapons in The Yard! Allton sits up as he takes off his shirt. We see some of the crabgrass is stuck on it. He shakes off what he can before putting the shirt back on. He gets to his feet and rolls in the ring, trying to get some distance to catch his breath. JAM G follows him in the ring, looking to stay on the attack but Allton quickly grabs a kendo stick. Still on his back, Allton takes a wild swing and manages to nail JAM in the gut! The Yardies are a mixture of cheers and boos as JAM G doubles over in pain! ~
Zybala: We got a split crowd here tonight! It's hard to tell who's the favorite here.
Dean: No doubt! Both these suckas have endeared themselves to The Yard crowd over the years!
~ Allton sits up and cracks JAM G on the head with the kendo stick! JAM G grabs his head and screams in pain as Allton stands up. He hits JAM G in the stomach again who doubles over once more. The World Champ follows this up with a kendo shot to the back of the head and down goes JAM G! Allton rolls JAM to his back and goes for the pin! ~
Mitch: One……..
Two……..
Thr…NOO!!
Dean: The SuckaLord is in his element here! It may only be a matter of time before Allton leaves with his belt.
Zybala: Don't count out JAM just yet, Dean-o. Eddie seems better than ever tonight. I don't think we've seen his limit just yet…
~ Frustrated, Allton stands up, drags Eddie to his feet and pushes him into the corner. Allton gives him a few more hits with the kendo stick before dropping it and heading to the opposite corner. Along the way, The Lord of Dashing picks up a garbage can and wedges it in between the top and second turnbuckle. He heads back to JAM G. The Yardies get louder as Allton grabs JAM by the wrist and throws him at the garbage can! JAM G plants his feet and reverses the move, sending Allton crashing head first into the can! The Champ staggers backward and JAM G rolls him up with a school boy, making the pin! ~
Mitch One……
Two……
ThreeNOOOOOOOOO!!!!
~ Allton gets a shoulder up to the cheers of half The Yard and boos from the other half! JAM G groans in frustration and he rolls out of the ring. He reaches under the ring and pulls out a table and slides it into the ring. He then grabs a nearby chair and goes in the ring. He starts yelling at Allton to get up as he holds the chair ready to swing. Allton pushes himself up and looks up at Eddie, who brings the chair down on the champ's head! Allton falls to the mat again as the mat slowly starts to get red around his head. ~
Dean: And we have blood, sucka!
Zybala: It was only a matter of time.
~ Lord Allton is writhing in pain as The Yardies let loose a loud "Holy Poop" chant. JAM G drops the chair and rolls Allton to his back and covers the champ again! ~
Mitch One……
Two……
THRE!!!!
~ NO!! Out of either instinct or desperation, Allton barely shrugs a shoulder off of the mat at the very last millisecond to an enormous cheer from the Allton fans. JAM G begins pleading with Mitch that it was a three count, but the stoner ref assures him it was only 2.9999. Getting a bit more desperate, JAM G goes over to the table that was brought in earlier and sets it up near a corner JAM then leaves the ring and grabs a nearby ladder. He slides it in the ring and is about to get in himself when he notices Allton using the ropes to pull himself up to his feet. JAM G hops on the apron and goes to punch Allton, who blocks it and counters with a headbutt. A loud, wet THWACK can be heard as the heads collide as droplets of blood fly from the impact. Allton reels as JAM falls off the apron but lands on his feet, albeit dizzy. He steadies himself and looks up to see Allton holding the top rope and leaning back. As it dawns on JAM G what the champ is doing, Allton pulls himself forward, leaping over the top with the grace of a majestic eagle!! The crowd cheers loudly as Allton lands on JAM G with a crossbody and the two land on the grass!! ~
Zybala: Now boarding for Air Allton!!
Dean: This sucka puts the capable in handicapable!!!
~ Allton staggers back to his feet and lets out a loud shout that the fans reciprocate back with cheers! Not a single boo can be heard in The Yard! Allton grabs JAM G's arm and hauls him up and into the ring. Allton rolls in after him and covers him. At one, JAM G thrusts an arm up, but it was a trap! Allton quickly grabs the arm and wraps JAM G up with The Python Grip! JAM G is squirming around and yelling in pain as he tries to break free of the hold. The Yardies are trying to rally him on as Allton screams for him to tap! Mitch is watching carefully for a tap out. ~
Allton: TAP OUT EDDIE! YOU'RE NOT WORLD CHAMP MATERIAL!! GO BACK TO BOB! THIS IS MY SHOW!! TAP, DAMN YOU!!
~ Allton continues to scream at JAM G as the masked man struggles less. The fans are trying to get JAM to rally. All except some in the front row. They are booing JAM G and shouting words of hatred. This is his family. His fat wife is riding a mobile scooter as the chairs in The Yard can't support her. His children are there, taunting their father. Sadness passes across JAM G's eyes, followed by anger. His anger gives him strength as he fights against The Python Grip. He starts punching Allton with his free hand, causing the champ to lose his grip. JAM G fights free and pushes away from Allton, getting some space. JAM shakes his head, clearing the cobwebs and he grabs the champ. He tosses Allton under the ropes, sending the champ to the grass once more. Allton is getting to his feet and JAM G's wife and daughter try flirting with him. They don't call him the Lord of Dashing for nothing. Allton ignores the advances for the most part, but they distract him long enough to allow JAM G to climb to the nearest top turnbuckle! JAM G leaps off with all of his leg strength and flies at Allton. But the champ moves out of the way at the last minute and JAM G lands right on top of his family, taking them out!! His wife and her scooter fall sideways! His son's head bounces off of the chair behind him. His daughter lands on a patch of crabgrass! Eddie gets to his feet and looks down on his family. His face is a mixture of horror and joy. The Yardies cheer this act of inadvertent defiance. ~
Dean: Holy Poop! That sucka just took out his whole family!
Zybala: Do you feel bad for them?
Dean: Nope. They Poop people.
Zybala: Yup.
~ JAM G looks like he's debating on kicking his family before turning around. He sees Allton already back in the ring. JAM G rushes and slides under the rope. As he stands, he gets dropped with a stiff Legendary Awesome Gorgeous Punch from Allton, who had slipped brass knuckles on his hand! JAM G drops to the mat and Allton makes the cover as the noise in The Yard reaches a fever pitch! Mitch drops to make the count. ~
Mitch: One…..
Two……
THREE!!!!
~ Cheers explode in The Yard as Mitch's hand hits the mat a third time. Allton rolls off of JAM G and breathes a sigh of relief. Belvedere gets in the ring and hands Mitch the world belt, who in turn lays it on Allton. Zybala goes into the house for some reason. ~
Belvedere: Here is your winner….. and STILL Outsider Championship Wrestling World Champion…. LORD ALLTON!!!!!
~ Allton sits up with the belt and slowly gets to his feet with the help of Mitch. Allton then celebrates as his music plays, holding the belt high. ~
Dean: Helluva match for the championship. SuckaLord was able to outlast a surprisingly tough JAM G. Though I'm a bit upset nobody went through that table…
~ As if on cue, Zybala comes running out of the house wearing a Josh Allen jersey. He dashes to the ring and slides in. He congratulates Allton before going over to where the table was set up. Apparently there are a few Buffalo Bills fans in attendance as louder cheers fill The Yard as Zybla climbs the top rope. Allton looks on in confusion as Zybala leaps off the turnbuckle and lands on the table with a picture perfect belly flop, breaking it in pieces. Zybala stands up and brushes himself off before raising Allton's hand. The fans cheer more. ~
Dean: Man, Bills fans are fucked up. Anyway, that's another Dystopia, suckas. For Mike Zybala, I'm Dean. Peace!
The Mariachi Band is giving a great mariachi rendition of "The Nowhere Generation", the unofficial theme song of Outsiders! The fans are trying to drunkenly sing along. Mitch and Belvedere are waiting in the ring, Belvedere is looking professional as always, and Mitch…well, isn't. He is busy getting high. The refrigerator box/announcer table is standing proudly. Behind the "table" is the original Outsider Dean. He's joined as always by Mike Zybala. Both men are ecstatic to finally start this landmark show! ~
Zybala: What's up everybody?! Welcome back to The Yard once again for another Dystopia!!
Dean: EPISODE 25!! WHAT WHAT!! Nobody thought we'd last this long, sucka!!
Zybala: No they didn't, Dean-o! And those jerks can choke on their glass of Hater-ade! We ain't going nowhere!!
Dean: Fudge Yeah!! In fact, we proving that we're here to stay by having a little tag team tournament for our vacant straps!
Zybala: We managed to get 16 teams from both OCWs to compete. Yardies and Main Rosters teaming up to try to win one of the many prizes!
Dean: We got the tag belts! We got a shot at the world title! We got the vacant Omega X title! We got a shot at the Craze belt!! We like Oprah up in this bitch!!
Zybala: Tonight you will see two tournament matches as The Super Radio Brothers take on THE SON OF THE PROCTOLOGIST and Arachne. Also, it's The Greek Gods versus The Crustacean Syndicate!
Dean: And we got a World Title main event! The SuckaLord Allton will defend his Outsiders World Championship against the dude who fought in the very first Outsiders match, JAM G! But enough jibba jabber! Let's get this Poop started!!
Zybala: Belvedere! The floor is yours!
~ The camera cuts to the ring as Belvedere slowly raises the microphone for dramatic effect. Y'all heard Dean. Let's get this Poop started!! ~
Belvedere: Hello Outsiders! Welcome to another Dystopia! The following match is a first round match in The Marcus Welsh Appreciation Tag Team Tournament and it is scheduled for one fall!
Yardies: ONE FALL!!!
Belvedere: Coming to the ring first….. from under the sea…. They will make you sleep with the fishes… weighing in at a combined total of all the purest lobster and crab meat you can think of…. The Mobster Lobster and The Clingy Crab…. They are THE CRUSTACEAN SYNDICATE!!!
~ starts to play over the speakers as The Mobster and Crab make their way out of the house to a mix of boos and cheers. They struggle a bit as their costumes get snagged in the doorway. They finally get loose and make their way down the lawn towards the ring. The Crab tries hugging people while The Lobster waves his new "tommy gun" at fans who try to high five him. After much struggle and many minutes, the pair finally get between the ropes and enter the ring. The music stops and Belvedere continues while Mitch has a mini freak out due to The Syndicate looking like actual anthropomorphic crustaceans; at least to his stoned mind. ~
Belvedere: And their opponents…. Hailing from Mount Olympus…. At a combined weight of, according to them, 476 pounds of pure, godly muscle…..This is Zeus and Hades… THE GREEK GODS!!!
~ Metallica's "Master of Puppets" starts to play before Zybala says 'oh Poop' and plays "Enter Sandman" The Yard erupts with cheers as Zeus and Hades strut out of the house. The drunker of the fans drop to their knees and bow to The Gods while shouting "we're not worthy" routine. The Gods approve. They make their way to the ring as Hades slides under the ropes and wiggles his tongue around, trying to look menacing as Zeus climbs to the middle ropes, throwing a fist in the air. They then stand in the ring flexing for the crowd, showing the most miniscule of definition. ~
Dean: Do the Gods look bigger to you?
Zybala: I wouldn't say bigger… Maybe they actually did a push up or two?
Dean: Good to see the suckas are taking this tourney seriously.
~ The music stops and The Gods turn to face their opponents and jump back in surprise when they see The Syndicate. Zeus starts yelling about agents of Poseidon as Mitch calls for the bell. Enraged about his other brother's betrayal, Hades charges at The Mobster and The Crab. He attacks them with flailing fists which stagger The Mobster Lobster backwards, leaving Hades to focus on the Clingy Crab. While Hades is actually having the upper hand on someone for once in his life, The Lobster raises his tommy gun and starts to point it at Hades, only to have it knocked away by a Lighting Bolt Chop from Zeus! The Gods are pummeling away at The Crustacean Syndicate, driving them back into the ropes. The Yardies are speechless as nobody expected this much tenacity from Hades and Zeus! The Clingy Crab holds up a claw as if asking for a breather as Lobster leans on the ropes. Zeus and Hades ignored the plea as they charge at The Crustaceans and clothesline the pair over the ropes Cactus Jack style! All four hit the grass and the Gods quickly get to their feet! ~
Zybala: So far it's been nothing but complete control from Zeus and Hades!
Dean: Those suckas want to move on in the tourney! Especially Zeus who is always in the final four of every Outsiders Battle Royal. He want that glory!
~ Hades is kicking away at the Mobster Lobster as Zeus drags The Crab up and puts its head between his legs. He positions himself in front of The Lobster and tells Hades to hop on the apron. When Hades does, we see every vein pop out and muscle bulge on Zeus's body as he struggles to lift The Clingy Crab up. It takes much effort, but Zeus manages to lift The Crab up for a piledriver! Hades hops off of the apron and drives The Crab down as Zeus falls with a spike piledriver, driving The Crab right onto The Lobster's chest! Zeus frees himself from the tangle of bodies and rolls into the ring as Hades follows. The pair start urging Mitch to make a ten count which he slowly does, taking a long hit of his blunt between each number.
The Gods stare on anxiously as Mitch gets to three as The Syndicate starts coming to.
5!
The Mobster is back on his feet and urging the Crab up.
6!
The pair try sliding in the ring but are stopped by their bulky costumes.
7!
The Crab tries to take off its head, only to be stopped by The Mobster who starts yelling at him about commitment to the gimmick.
8!
The Crab pushes The Lobster away and tries to take off its costume once again!
9! The Mobster Lobster spears The Clingy Crab to the grass and the pair start a hilarious fight as pincers and claws flail about!
TEN!!!!!
The bell rings and Hades and Zeus stare at each other in shock! The fans are shocked! Did this really just happen?? Everyone looks at Belvedere for the official ruling. ~
Belvedere: Here are your winners by way of countout….. THE GREEK GODS!!!
~ Mitch holds up the arms of The Gods as The Yard explodes with cheers! Zeus and Hades start ugly crying with happiness as they hug each other! The fans are crying! YOU'RE crying! Dean is not. ~
Dean: These suckas are acting as if they won the whole tournament! It's only one round. They won because of goofy ass costumes.
Zybala: That's not the point, my dude. Zeus and Hades have been in Outsiders since 2020 and this is Hades first win in The Yard! Hell, Zeus hasn't won a match here since August of 2020. Let them have their moment.
Dean: I get it, they could just calm it down a little. Save the big tears for if they win.
~ Zeus and Hades leave the ring and start climbing into the crowd, still celebrating! They go to one of the communal coolers and pull out beers. They start doing their best Steve Austin impressions as they crack the cans open and let the cool beer wash over them. The Yardies cheer loudly for them as The Crustacean Syndicate continue to fight at ringside as we cut to a commercial for the Margarita Mixer replay. When we come back, The Syndicate has been ushered from The Yard. Belvedere looks like he's about to start our next match but Zybala stops him. ~
Dean: What's up?
Zybala: The Vivint alarm on my phone just sent me a notification that someone's at the front door.
Dean: Did we have something delivered?
~ Zybala checks his phone for the doorbell cam. He says "It's Welsh" before he gets up and goes into the house. He walks to the front door and opens it. We see Marcus Welsh standing there, looking confused and like he's been having a rough time. ~
Zybala: Marcus! Hey buddy. What are you doing here?
Welsh: I don't know. Life has been so hazy lately. Am I in Buffalo??
Zybala: Nope. You're still in Florida. You're at my Florida house/Outsiders Arena!
Welsh: Ah Poop… not that thing. Outsiders sucks. Everything sucks. Greg left me. He kicked me out saying that I can't afford his lifestyle anymore. I don't even know how I got to this shifty place!
~ Zybala looks visibly hurt at this remark, but he lets it slide. He's more worried about his friend, who is starting to look like he did when OCW was out of business. Welsh barely seems cognizant. ~
Zybala: I'm sorry my friend. Is there anything I can do? Do you need a job??
Welsh: Of course not! Not here! Not ever.
Zybala: Easy, relax! Look, I gotta get back to The Yard, but you can hang in here for a bit, if you want…
Welsh: Well, I am waiting on my ride so, okay. Maybe I'll sit around for a bit.
Zybala: Okay buddy. Come on in.
~ Zybala leads Welsh into the house and in the living room. He helps Welsh onto the couch and slips a blanket on him. Zybala turns on the TV and Netflix and starts to play Bridgerton for Welsh to watch. Welsh smiles a tiny bit at the cultured show. Zybala goes into the kitchen pantry and gets a can of Spaghetti-Os. He opens it, grabs a fork and brings it to Welsh, who tears up a little at the gesture. Welsh begins to devour the treat as Zybala heads back outside. He sits next to Dean. ~
Dean: All cool?
Zybala: Yeah. Welsh is watching TV as he waits for a ride to pick him up.
Dean: Aight. Let's get the bitch rolling again. Belvedere, you're up, m'man!
Belvedere: The following match is a first round match in The Marcus Welsh Appreciation Tag Team Tournament and it is scheduled for one fall!
Yardies: ONE FALL!!!
Belvedere: Coming to the ring first….. From the oddest corner of The Big Bifford's mind….. weighing in at combined weight of somewhere between 200 and 600 pounds…. they are THE SON OF THE PROCTOLOGIST and Arachne!!
~ The Yardies mutter at the mention of these relatively unknowns. Zybala hits the random button for YouTube play (it's a thing!) because the duo never filled out an application. youtu.be/js7mx3EgiDU hits the speakers as THE SON OF THE PROCTOLOGIST and Arachne walk out into The Yard to a smattering of polite applause. They get to the ring and do some generic things to try to rally the fans behind them. It's met with a whole bunch of meh. The music stops and Belvedere continues….~
Belvedere: And their opponents….
~ A sudden blast of music fills the yard, a strange song talking about kissing toads? Not only is the Yard confused, but so are the duo of Crash Rodriguez and Easton Alexander. They make their way to the ring, trying to convince the fans that they didn't choose the song. Crash and Easton begin arguing with each other as they try to accuse the other of the change of music. Easton shoves Crash and rolls into the ring, as Crash shakes his head as he makes his way up the steps. ~
Belvedere: Crash Rodriguez and Easton Alexander! The Most Important Tag Team in Outsider's History! The Crooked Dragons!
~ Crash and Easton continue bickering in the ring as Belvedere steps out. A few playground shoves from the both of them occur, but before long they seem to get back on the same page. ~
Zybala: After some technical difficulties and some arguing, it seems that The Crooked Dragons have got their Poop together.
Dean: I dunno. Mitch just asked them suckas who's starting the match and they are arguing again…
~ The Dragons are indeed arguing about who is going to start the match. Arachne is starting the match for his team. Crash tries to argue that Easton hates anything spider related. Easton tells him that Crash is full of Poop. Easton starts to head towards Arachne but is grabbed by Crash and thrown from the ring. Mitch sees Crash as the only member of his team in the ring and calls for the match to start. ~
Zybala: And that's why you never turn your back on Crash Rodriguez!
Dean: How are these suckas gonna be able to win if they can't even work together?
Zybala: Because they actually rped and the other team didn't…
Dean: Good point.
~ Crash locks up with Arachne and quickly starts hitting him with knees to the midsection. Then he switches to forearms strikes to the head, then chops across the chest. Crash is making it look super easy, barely an inconvenience. He gets a little cocky and wraps Arachne in a headlock and starts to actually give him a noogie!!! Arachne gets humiliated and passed as he shoves Crash off of him. Crash stumbles more out of surprise than the actual strength of Arachne, but he stumbles nonetheless. This brings him close to his corner, where a waiting Easton reaches over the top rope and tags himself in. Crash turns around and starts to argue with Easton, who steps into the ring. The two argue before Crash begrudgingly steps to the outside, only to tag himself back in! Easton is pissed and only gets out of the ring when he is warned by Mitch of a disqualification. Crash is back in the ring and taunting Easton, staying just out of arm's reach. He is too busy egging on Easton that he doesn't notice the fresh tagged SON OF THE PROCTOLOGIST rushing up behind him! SON hits Crash with a dropkick, which propels right towards Easton! Crash hits the turnbuckle and Easton tags himself in once more! ~
Dean: This "I'm better than you" Poop is gonna cost these suckas the match!
Zybala: Anything can happen in The Yard.
~ Easton quickly runs across the apron to the opposite turnbuckle before hopping in the ring. No tag backsies this time. Easton laughs loudly in a TOTALLY NORMAL WAY, Fudge YOU!! Crash is too furious at SON to even register that LAUGH that some people might consider weird (coughTLScough!) and despite being the illegal man, rushes at SON. SON runs and tags in Arachne and exits the ring. Crash chases him out onto the lawn! He catches up to him and starts beating him down as Arachne looks on, debating on whether to help his partner. His decision is made for him when Easton grabs him by the head and flips him over the ropes and into the ring. Arachne lands hard on his back as Easton, not wanting to lose this opportunity, drags Arachne to his feet and boots him in the stomach. Arachne doubles over and Easton grabs him with a double underhook! The fans start cheering as Easton lifts up Arachne with the UNBANNED Dragon Driver 98 and drops him on his head!! ~
Dean: DRAGON DRIVER!! That sucka is out cold!
Zybala: The very legal and not life threatening Dragon Driver!
Dean: And the fans agree! They think it's so safe, they want another!
~ The Yardies are in fact chanting One More Time! Being a man of the people, Easton drags Arachne to his feet and hooks the arms once more. Easton pauses to look out of the ring to see Crash hitting SON with The Crash Landing on a particularly nasty looking patch of crabgrass! Easton winces a bit at this. He muses that people call his move dangerous when you got mofos dropping people on crabgrass. He shakes his head before lifting Arachne up and dropping him with a second SAFE Dragon Driver! Easton mercifully covers his opponent and Mitch dives into position. ~
Mitch: One….
Two…..
THREE!!!
~ Mitch calls for the bell as Easton jumps to his feet with his arms in the air. He looks smugly at Crash who is walking towards the ring. ~
Belvedere: Here are your winners and moving on in the Tag Team Tournament…. THE CROOKED DRAGONS!!!
~ Crash looks like he's about to have some words with Easton when music hits the speakers. It's the OCW Radio Theme! The wrong music again! This makes Crash laugh and the tension between both men seems to leave… for the moment at least. We cut to a commercial for Face/Off! The movie. Not the upcoming OCW ppv. ~
~ AAAANNNNDDDD We go back to The Yard. There is a certain energy in the air. The fans are excited. It's not every show that you get a world title match. Belvedere is in the ring, and here we go! ~
Belvedere: The following Hardcore match is scheduled for one fall…
Yardies: ONE FALL
Belvedere: And it is your main event of the evening for the World Championship! Introducing first,.... he is the longest active Outsider on the roster…..he is Just Another Masked Guy…..JAM G!!!
~ Zybala is messing around with his phone, so Dean uses the laptop. He pulls up YOUTUBE and performs a search. “No one knows” by Queens of The Stone Age hits the speaker. The backdoor opens and JAM G leaps into view. He doesn’t get much height. He lands on both feet and looks around, mysteriously. The crowd chants “JAM G!” out of respect for the O.G. Outsider. JAM G rushes toward the ring and slides in. He pops to his feet and continues to look around mysteriously. Dean shoves Zybala, who gets startled. Dean glares at him and Zybala puts his phone away. ~
Zybala: After making his Outsiders debut 5 years ago, JAM G finally gets a shot at the World Champion!
Dean: Will all that training with Bob Grenier help, or will JAM G be just another loser?
~ The music dies down as JAM G stares at the house. He looks determined, focused. This is his moment to gain respect! Belvedere starts to introduce the man who stands in his way to glory. ~
Belvedere: And his opponent…… from The Midlands, England….. weighing in at a healthy 12 stones…. He is your Outsiders Championship Wrestling World Champion…. "The Lord of Dashing" LOOOOOOOOOORD ALLLLTOOON!!!
~ "Devil Inside Me" by Frank Carter and the Rattlesnakes hits the speakers as Allton comes rolling out of the house in his wheelchair, the world title resting on his lap. He makes his way down the lawn, high-fiving the random fan, but he looks as focused as JAM G. Allton parks his chair next to the ring and using the leg braces gifted to him by Zybala, stands up and enters the ring with his world title. Allton holds up the belt to a huge reaction from The Yardies before handing it to an exiting Belvedere. Mitch checks if both wrestlers are ready before calling for the bell to start the match! JAM G and Allton stare at each other with intensity, seeing who will blink first. It's JAM G as he rushes at Allton, and quickly locks up with him. Allton tries using his slight size advantage but JAM G has his feet planted. Allton pushes Eddie (JAM's real name) back a bit but not much. They break the lock up and try again to the same result. They break again and stare at each other then both shrug and start throwing rights and lefts at each other. ~
Dean: Poop broke down real fast sucka!!
Zybala: And the fans can't love it!
~ The Yardies cheer as the two wail away on each other! Both men are swinging and blocking with reckless abandon! Allton briefly gains the upper hand and drives JAM G back. putting JAM on total defensive mode. But Allton gets too cocky and swings with a wild brass knuckle-less L.A.G. punch, trying to end the match early! JAM G ducks and comes back with a scream and an European Uppercut to the world champ! ~
JAM G: SHORYUKEN!!
~ Allton staggers back from the blow and stares at JAM G in shock. Allton asks if JAM really went Street Fighter on him. JAM tells him "You're damn right" then goes for a punch, though less Legendary, of his own! Allton blocks and grabs hold of JAM G's hand and twists it into a wrist lock. The masked fighter struggles as The Lord of Dashin backs him into the ropes and sends him across the ring into the opposite side. JAM G bounces back and hits the champ with a shoulder block, knocking him to the mat! JAM quickly covers Allton as Mitch gets to the mat. ~
Mitch: One……
~ Allton kicks out with authority, shoving JAM off of him. Eddie quickly grabs Allton in a side headlock and keeps the champ on the mat! Mitch checks if the hold is legal and it is. Allton struggles as he tries to pull JAM G's arms off from his neck. ~
Dean: Oh Poop sucka! JAM G almost had that one!
Zybala: I guess all that time with Bob DID help! Nobody expected JAM G to get a pin on the champ, let alone be in control of the match!
Dean: Poop ain't over yet. SuckaLord's got a lot more in the tank.
~ Allton stops trying to pull JAM's arms free and begins to repeatedly punch him in the kidney. After several shots, JAM G can't tough it out and releases the hold. Allton catches his breath as he gets to his feet. He grabs JAM G by the mask and pulls him up to a standing position as well. The Champ then kicks JAM G in the side of the leg. JAM's leg buckles for a second before he returns the kick to Allton's leg! JAM cries out in pain as his foot connects with the METAL leg brace. He limps around a little before Allton sweeps the uninjured leg, knocking JAM G down! Allton grabs JAM G's leg and tries to set him up for a figure four. But as he spins around the leg. JAM G uses his free foot to push Allton off! The masked guy gets back to his feet, gets behind The Equality GM, and wraps his arms around his waist. He tries to lift the champ for a German Suplex but Allton blocks it. JAM G tries again but once again gets blocked. On the third try JAM G lifts with all his might and gets the champ up! JAM G falls backwards, but Allton manages to slip out and backflip out of it!! Allto goes for the quick pin but JAM kicks out as soon as Mitch makes a one count! JAM G quickly gets to his feet and stares at an equally shocked Allton as the fans go crazy! ~
Zybala: Did Allton just backflip?!?
Dean: Dat mother Fudger just did a mother Fuding BACKFLIP!!
Zybala: Will the miracles ever cease with this guy?! He just may be the Jesus of Wrestling after all!
Dean: All I know is that if someone dies in front of me, I'm calling the SuckaLord first to pull a Lazarus on the corpse!
~ JAM G quickly gets over his shock and grabs Allton in a headlock, really cranking it in. Allto struggles for a bit before just lifting JAM G up for a backdrop. The Masked Guy rolls out of it and lands on his feet behind Allton, who quickly turns around. JAM says he can do flippy Poop too and nails Allton with a boot to the gut. Allton doubles over and JAM G pulls him in for a piledriver! The Champ lifts himself up and backdrops JAM G. Allton is quick to go on the attack and stomps away at JAM G before dropping a big elbow aimed right at the heart! The champ then goes for the pin. ~
Mitch: One……..
Two…….
NO!!!!!!
~ JAM G kicks out but Allton is not flustered. He just picks up Allton and whips him into the ropes. When JAM G bounces back, Allton spins going for a discus clothesline which JAM ducks!! He then slides out of the ring and starts rummaging under the ring. JAM pulls out random stuff and tosses it on the lawn. The Yardies cheer when they see all the potential weapons. ~
Dean: Here come the toys, sucka!!!
Zybala: And The Yardies approve!
~ The fans cheer louder as JAM G starts throwing the weapons in the ring. We see garbage can lids, kendo sticks, chairs, and even a Ryobi Hedge Trimmer! The fans get excited about this but boo when Zybala gets up from the announcer "table," walks over and takes his yard tool away. Allton just scoffs at this and slides out himself. He goes under the ring to pull out a ladder, cooking sheets and what looks like an entire Rachel Ray cast iron pot and pan set. Dean laughs as Zybala starts yelling about not using his personal stuff. Allton ignores his friend as he grabs a pot and goes over to JAM G. Allton swings at the masked man who, holding the lid by its sides, barely deflects the blow with a trash can lid. The lid dents almost in half under the weight of the swing and weight of the pot, rendering it almost useless. Almost, because JAM G drives the can hard into Allton's stomach!
Allton drops the pot as he grabs his stomach in pain. JAM G quickly scoops him up and bodyslams him on the grass. Allton lets out a loud yelp of pain and shouts about something as he quickly rolls away. As he does, our camera sees what Allton was screaming about; a big, crumpled patch of crabgrass!! The most dangerous of weapons in The Yard! Allton sits up as he takes off his shirt. We see some of the crabgrass is stuck on it. He shakes off what he can before putting the shirt back on. He gets to his feet and rolls in the ring, trying to get some distance to catch his breath. JAM G follows him in the ring, looking to stay on the attack but Allton quickly grabs a kendo stick. Still on his back, Allton takes a wild swing and manages to nail JAM in the gut! The Yardies are a mixture of cheers and boos as JAM G doubles over in pain! ~
Zybala: We got a split crowd here tonight! It's hard to tell who's the favorite here.
Dean: No doubt! Both these suckas have endeared themselves to The Yard crowd over the years!
~ Allton sits up and cracks JAM G on the head with the kendo stick! JAM G grabs his head and screams in pain as Allton stands up. He hits JAM G in the stomach again who doubles over once more. The World Champ follows this up with a kendo shot to the back of the head and down goes JAM G! Allton rolls JAM to his back and goes for the pin! ~
Mitch: One……..
Two……..
Thr…NOO!!
Dean: The SuckaLord is in his element here! It may only be a matter of time before Allton leaves with his belt.
Zybala: Don't count out JAM just yet, Dean-o. Eddie seems better than ever tonight. I don't think we've seen his limit just yet…
~ Frustrated, Allton stands up, drags Eddie to his feet and pushes him into the corner. Allton gives him a few more hits with the kendo stick before dropping it and heading to the opposite corner. Along the way, The Lord of Dashing picks up a garbage can and wedges it in between the top and second turnbuckle. He heads back to JAM G. The Yardies get louder as Allton grabs JAM by the wrist and throws him at the garbage can! JAM G plants his feet and reverses the move, sending Allton crashing head first into the can! The Champ staggers backward and JAM G rolls him up with a school boy, making the pin! ~
Mitch One……
Two……
ThreeNOOOOOOOOO!!!!
~ Allton gets a shoulder up to the cheers of half The Yard and boos from the other half! JAM G groans in frustration and he rolls out of the ring. He reaches under the ring and pulls out a table and slides it into the ring. He then grabs a nearby chair and goes in the ring. He starts yelling at Allton to get up as he holds the chair ready to swing. Allton pushes himself up and looks up at Eddie, who brings the chair down on the champ's head! Allton falls to the mat again as the mat slowly starts to get red around his head. ~
Dean: And we have blood, sucka!
Zybala: It was only a matter of time.
~ Lord Allton is writhing in pain as The Yardies let loose a loud "Holy Poop" chant. JAM G drops the chair and rolls Allton to his back and covers the champ again! ~
Mitch One……
Two……
THRE!!!!
~ NO!! Out of either instinct or desperation, Allton barely shrugs a shoulder off of the mat at the very last millisecond to an enormous cheer from the Allton fans. JAM G begins pleading with Mitch that it was a three count, but the stoner ref assures him it was only 2.9999. Getting a bit more desperate, JAM G goes over to the table that was brought in earlier and sets it up near a corner JAM then leaves the ring and grabs a nearby ladder. He slides it in the ring and is about to get in himself when he notices Allton using the ropes to pull himself up to his feet. JAM G hops on the apron and goes to punch Allton, who blocks it and counters with a headbutt. A loud, wet THWACK can be heard as the heads collide as droplets of blood fly from the impact. Allton reels as JAM falls off the apron but lands on his feet, albeit dizzy. He steadies himself and looks up to see Allton holding the top rope and leaning back. As it dawns on JAM G what the champ is doing, Allton pulls himself forward, leaping over the top with the grace of a majestic eagle!! The crowd cheers loudly as Allton lands on JAM G with a crossbody and the two land on the grass!! ~
Zybala: Now boarding for Air Allton!!
Dean: This sucka puts the capable in handicapable!!!
~ Allton staggers back to his feet and lets out a loud shout that the fans reciprocate back with cheers! Not a single boo can be heard in The Yard! Allton grabs JAM G's arm and hauls him up and into the ring. Allton rolls in after him and covers him. At one, JAM G thrusts an arm up, but it was a trap! Allton quickly grabs the arm and wraps JAM G up with The Python Grip! JAM G is squirming around and yelling in pain as he tries to break free of the hold. The Yardies are trying to rally him on as Allton screams for him to tap! Mitch is watching carefully for a tap out. ~
Allton: TAP OUT EDDIE! YOU'RE NOT WORLD CHAMP MATERIAL!! GO BACK TO BOB! THIS IS MY SHOW!! TAP, DAMN YOU!!
~ Allton continues to scream at JAM G as the masked man struggles less. The fans are trying to get JAM to rally. All except some in the front row. They are booing JAM G and shouting words of hatred. This is his family. His fat wife is riding a mobile scooter as the chairs in The Yard can't support her. His children are there, taunting their father. Sadness passes across JAM G's eyes, followed by anger. His anger gives him strength as he fights against The Python Grip. He starts punching Allton with his free hand, causing the champ to lose his grip. JAM G fights free and pushes away from Allton, getting some space. JAM shakes his head, clearing the cobwebs and he grabs the champ. He tosses Allton under the ropes, sending the champ to the grass once more. Allton is getting to his feet and JAM G's wife and daughter try flirting with him. They don't call him the Lord of Dashing for nothing. Allton ignores the advances for the most part, but they distract him long enough to allow JAM G to climb to the nearest top turnbuckle! JAM G leaps off with all of his leg strength and flies at Allton. But the champ moves out of the way at the last minute and JAM G lands right on top of his family, taking them out!! His wife and her scooter fall sideways! His son's head bounces off of the chair behind him. His daughter lands on a patch of crabgrass! Eddie gets to his feet and looks down on his family. His face is a mixture of horror and joy. The Yardies cheer this act of inadvertent defiance. ~
Dean: Holy Poop! That sucka just took out his whole family!
Zybala: Do you feel bad for them?
Dean: Nope. They Poop people.
Zybala: Yup.
~ JAM G looks like he's debating on kicking his family before turning around. He sees Allton already back in the ring. JAM G rushes and slides under the rope. As he stands, he gets dropped with a stiff Legendary Awesome Gorgeous Punch from Allton, who had slipped brass knuckles on his hand! JAM G drops to the mat and Allton makes the cover as the noise in The Yard reaches a fever pitch! Mitch drops to make the count. ~
Mitch: One…..
Two……
THREE!!!!
~ Cheers explode in The Yard as Mitch's hand hits the mat a third time. Allton rolls off of JAM G and breathes a sigh of relief. Belvedere gets in the ring and hands Mitch the world belt, who in turn lays it on Allton. Zybala goes into the house for some reason. ~
Belvedere: Here is your winner….. and STILL Outsider Championship Wrestling World Champion…. LORD ALLTON!!!!!
~ Allton sits up with the belt and slowly gets to his feet with the help of Mitch. Allton then celebrates as his music plays, holding the belt high. ~
Dean: Helluva match for the championship. SuckaLord was able to outlast a surprisingly tough JAM G. Though I'm a bit upset nobody went through that table…
~ As if on cue, Zybala comes running out of the house wearing a Josh Allen jersey. He dashes to the ring and slides in. He congratulates Allton before going over to where the table was set up. Apparently there are a few Buffalo Bills fans in attendance as louder cheers fill The Yard as Zybla climbs the top rope. Allton looks on in confusion as Zybala leaps off the turnbuckle and lands on the table with a picture perfect belly flop, breaking it in pieces. Zybala stands up and brushes himself off before raising Allton's hand. The fans cheer more. ~
Dean: Man, Bills fans are fucked up. Anyway, that's another Dystopia, suckas. For Mike Zybala, I'm Dean. Peace!
