Post by jackmehoff on Apr 6, 2024 19:31:44 GMT -5
We are taken to studio A in JM Studios. There is a backdrop of a barbershop, complete with a barbers chair in the middle, oddly enough set up next to a backdrop of a forest. There are several people walking around, including a camera man, sound guy, seven guys dressed like Canadian Mounties, a guy in a barbers coat, and in the middle of all the chaos, Jack N. Mehoff. He is wearing jeans and a shirt that says "Blessed are the cheese makers."
Jack runs over to the mounties.
Jack: Allright, so you guys are good with the song?
All of them nod their heads, then one tentatively raises his hand.
Jack: Yes.
Mountie #4: I've just got a question about the lyrics in the third verse. Why would a lumber Jack be wearing that kind of attire? It doesn't strike me as very practical for cutting down trees.
Jack: It's part of the joke.
Mountie #6: And while we're at it, why would a bunch of mounties be singing this song? It's a song about lumberjacks.
All the other mounties agree with him.
Jack: You guys are putting much more thought into this promo than I did when i wrote it. Just go with it.
Mountie #3: What exactly is my motivation again?
Jack: Getting a paycheck. The next person who asks a question is fired, got it?
Jack walks over to the barbershop set where the guy in the barber smock, is standing behind the chair where a overweight middle aged man is sitting.
Jack: Ok, so are we ready to go? You're not going to question your motivation and tell me you can't do this because you're not a licensed barber? Are you?
Barber: Nope.
Guy in barber chair: Wait. He's not a licensed barber?
Jack: Allright, camera, sound? Are we ready to go?
The camera and audio guy both give a thumbs up.
Jack: Allright, let's get rolling in 3..2..1..
The camera starts rolling and we are taken inside a typical barber shop, except for some reason there are several cans of Spam, and two bird cages hanging, one containing a dead parakeet, the other containing a swallow with a coconut in it's cage.
Jack: What's up thunder thighs? Your Girlfriends Favorite Wrestler, Jack N. Mehoff here. At the next episode of Friday Night Fury, I'm facing Angelio Caito and Ricky McGee. Now I'm not the type of guy who walks into a match and "calls it in the ring," whatever that means. I'm the type of guy who does his research on his opponents. That's why I'm here, at Jaques Barbershop in Labrador City, Canada, where a former co-worker of Ricky McGee, now plies his trade.
The actor Jack played to play the barber is cutting the hair of the guy in the chair, and doing a horrible job of it. He uses a pair of scissors and accidentally cuts off a huge chunk of hair off the poor guys head.
Jack: Now Jaque. How long have you known Ricky for?
Bryan: My name's not Jaque, it's Bryan.
Jack: You're the owner of this place, right? Why the heck did you name it Jaques Barbershop?
Byran: Cuz the local dentist is named Bryan too. I'd get folks coming in asking me to fix their teeth for them.
Bryan continues to cut chunks of hair off the poor guy sitting in front of him, who can only look on horrified.
Jack: So, how did you know Ricky.
Bryan: For I decided to become a barber, I was working as a lumberjack. 'e had an interesting method of working. He'd go up to a tree, take two swings with an ax, get tired, lean against the tree to catch 'is breath, an 'e was so fat, the tree would fall over.
Jack: I see. Was there anything else you can tell us about him?
Bryan: Well the guy was never too smart. We had to keep telling him deer droppings aren't raisins. Then there was that damn bear he fell in love with.
Jack: By bear, you mean a bearded happy man, right?
Bryan: Nah, I mean a real bear. Las' I heard he was on the run from the law. Got charged wi' animal husbandry.
Jack: That's disgusting.
Bryan: Tell me abou' it. I felt bad for the bear. For some other reason, ol' Ricky was always singin' an' dancing. Made up a catchy tune about his time as a lumber Jack. Want me to give it a shot?
Jack: Sure, why not.
At this point the poor guy in the barber chair only has a few patches of hair left on his head. Bryan goes to cut some hair by his ear, and the guy screams. A second later blood come gushing from the side of his head splattering onto Bryan.
Guy with ear injury and really bad haircut: There's only so much I can stand, and no amount of money is worth this. Good day sir
The man gets up and storms out. Bryan turns toward the camera.
Bryan: Fine. I never wanted to be a barber anyways.
Music starts playing and Bryan walks over to the forest set and sings a catchy song with the mounties.
Once they're done with their number Jack yells out.
Jack: Ok everyone that was passable. Now let's get the impersonator and the bear.
Jack walks over to a production assistant.
Jack: Hey, where's the bear at?
P.A.: The handler said all the lights were getting to the bear, so I sent them to your office.
Jack nods his head, then gets a panicked look on his face and grabs the P.A.
Jack: Not my office. That's where I keep my stash.
A second later, there's a loud bang on the studio door, followed by another. The door bursts open, and standing there is a 7 foot tall, 500 lb black bear, covered with blood and Gore, and a white powder under its nose. The bears eye glows red as he slowly walks towards Jack.
One of the cameramen steps forward, but freezes, unsure whether to move forward or back away.
He finally makes a decision to try and stay put. The bear growls, then knocks him down, swiping at him with one of its paws. The bear starts sniffing at his leg, then takes a bite out of it, ripping his pants open, and a little white bag filled with a white powder falls out. The bear licks the white powder off its snout, then starts licking at the bag. The bear walks toward Jack, sniffs him, then turns away.
Jack: It's OK guys. I think you'll be ok as long as you don't have any Cocaine with you.
One of the mounties screams like a little girl. Mountie #1 reaches into his pocket, pulls out a bag of powder, and tries to throw it away. Unfortunately, he throws it into a nearby industrial fan that blows the powder all over him and the rest of the mounties. The bear sniffs the air, locks eyes with the group of mounties and charges. They all scream in terror and rush to get away. Unfortunately, they're cornered and the bear rushes in and attacks. The bear rips out one man's throat. The remaining mounties start running around wildly.
After killing one of the men, the bear begins to chew on the other man's body, trying to find more coke. One man jumps on top of the bear from behind, but quickly gets bucked off.
Jack tries to sneak out of the studio when his assistant Eva Ridge walks in.
Eva: What the hell is all this screaming?
Jack points over at the bear.
Eva: Son of a bitch. Typical. Leave it up to me to clean up your messes.
She whips off her suit coat, tosses her glasses aside, pulls a butterfly knife out of her pocket and starts walking over to the bear.
Jack: No. Don't.
Eva: HEY YOGI. Fudge YOU.
Jack just stands there with a horrified look on his face as the bear roars.
Eva: IS THAT THE BEST YOU GOT?
Jack's face goes from horror to disgust to panic. He tries to hide behind a wall while Eva and the bear roar and scream like one of them is getting killed. A few seconds later, Eva walks back up to Jack. She is completely covered in blood and guys, and had a large scratch on her arm.
Eva: So that was your promo on Ricky McGee?
Jack just nods his head.
Eva: Can't wait to see the promo you're gonna cut on Caito.
The scene fades to a disclaimer screen.
Please be advised that no animals, real or imaginary, were harmed in the making of this promo. Similar claims however can not be made when it comes to actors, production staff or singing mounties. Remember kids, this is why you shouldn't do drugs because you never know when you might happen across a drug addicted bear.
