Post by anthony on Apr 24, 2024 21:28:39 GMT -5
“Worst part is, I’d STILL listen to this sonic excrement over NBA Youngboy or Ice Spice…sheesh!”
Taking a peek at footage of opponents is a coin flip. At one end, it can be helpful both in determining a strategy in the ring AND receiving insight on the mindset of the person across the ring. Sometimes it’s enlightening, even exciting to see something that challenges you. Motivates you to rise in the morning and elevate your game.
Then, there’s Cram sessions…oi…
Tony had to take his Beats headphones off and wait a few moments for the sensation of a dentist trying to give both his eardrums and love of hip-hop unnecessary root canal surgery. Sometimes watching promos makes one long for 7 mile runs and taking light tube to the face.
“Yeah, that was rough…”
Cameraman Gary’s equally exhausted from that replay session. “Still though, the Notorious M.I.D. is a hoss. Motherchucker weighs like a quarter ton…”
Considering every opponent Tony’s ever fought over 3 bills has lost to him, this factoid makes his day.
“Yeah, that means his gas mileage is just as low as his cred in a ring or booth. Tugboats like him are EASY to sink: poor conditioning, relies on raw strength instead of skill, plenty of tree limb to grab and break…”
“Gary, there’s a reason King Hippo always loses unless you play Punch Out with the controller out if your hands.”
It was good to see Tony in a pleasant mood. The last couple of weeks haven’t been kind. This incident with him trying to find out where his grandfather was wore him out. Tony tried to keep Gary out of this along with the public, which was fine by him. He didn’t need to know details or get entwined in a potentially ugly family situation. But he heard rumblings from the camp about potential legal action this, class action that…
Then after months of reigning supreme as a tag specialist, he lost 4 belts in a single match. 4. In front of his hometown crowd in Atlanta. And he stepped on a LEGO in his hotel room, despite the fact he didn’t bring his kids along for this part of the tour.
It both angered and disturbed him, like the cleaning ladies were building Star War sets in his room. Not the weirdest stuff hotel staff have done in his room, but that conversation has nothing to do with the task at hand, and if you want the uncut version you’ll have to catch it at CULT! Some things need to be told on a TVMA format.
Long story short, it seems things have been getting a bit bumpy for our Two Sport Savior, but as any Mess You Up Messiah can tell you, the righteous path is littered with potholes. Even when things go right they go wrong, and that frustration comes out as Tony’s stirring creamer in his coffee.
“No, I ain’t worried about Cram. Cram doesn’t pack nearly enough Rads to stop me. What worries me is the direction I seem to be going in TPW. Think about it…”
“Split an EPIC series with Larry freakin’ Tact, I got Aaron Warthog. I beat Warthog, now I got Cram. What next after I beat him? Ronson? The Budweiser vendor? Go knock out the arena electrician…”
His eyes bulge in horror: “booked on a Zybala show? Nononono….stop that Anthony! Never that dire! NEVER!”
That urge to panic hyperventilate washes over. All is calm again.
“I thought you and Mike were buddies.”
“Yeah we are, but if wrestling for Mike’s like helping move furniture for him, it’ll get weird and frustrating. Point is, despite my record I’m going backwards right now, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
“Frustrating.” Gary just eats his sandwich and Tony cocks his eyebrow like “really, that’s it?” Gary’s still chewing while he talks.
“What? What you want me to say? I’m a cameraman, not a sports psychologist. So they keep giving you easier and easier opponents? Whatever. Eat those empty calories up and move on. Not every damn fight’s gotta be Ali/Frazier.”
Gary has a point, and Tony feels a bit bad about his self pity party, until he sees what kind of sammich he’s eating.
“You DARED ordered nasty anus chopped salmon and cheese on my dime?! Totally inconsiderate thing to put on my credit card statement. And that bread isn’t even toasted! Soggy white bread. You respect NOTHING, including yourself!”
“Whatever, look…they wanna keep throwing trash at your feet, keep lighting it on fire. Eventually you’ll burn up enough trash bags to give you a promotion. Right now, something lighter on your plate is what you need. No big picture stuff; just go Little Mac on his guts and wait to get booked against Bald Bull next time. Right now we got a promo to plot.”
“Right. Did you get all the required materials necessary to make this operation work?”
“Yup. One yellow flannel shirt and glasses, and one bald cap. Plus we got permission from YouTube to do it and avoid a Copyright claim (YouTubers LIVE them some Copyright infringement claims!)”
“Great. Now we can properly deuce on a rap gimmick the most scathing and career destroying method possible…”
*stares intensely into the camera* “An unflattering YouTube review!”
Spongebob Narrator: 1 hour later…
“Hey everybody, ANTHONY SAVTANO here, the Internet’s punchiest music nerd!”
Yup, apparently Gary makes up for being a boo-boo spiritual advisor with some SHARP makeup skills. Tony’s looking like that goofy mustache having twerp, down to the flannel and that snowblind white shade of skin tone.
“And we’re back with another wrestler review. This week is a project from Florida wrassler/rapper/grimy af Macy’s Thanksgiving parade float Cram, which is by the way the 12th favorite consumable on Fallout. Now Cram came out to considerable fanfare and even received a huge once in a lifetime break against Matt Knox himself and didn’t quite hit the mark. Which, to be fair, is like asking a high school kicker to boot it 60 yards in an NFL playoff game and he hit a crossbar. Okay, not bad considering the circumstances.”
“Then he fought a guy named after a PEARL JAM LYRIC and our favorite MC looked like the only bars he could drop were his candy. Took the L, then vanished off the map…”
“Which is impressive work for a guy that looks and moves like a restaurant banquet freezer.”
“And both the worlds of graps and raps mourned his absence for approximately zero point zero seconds”
“But now he’s back in 2024, and like that one person they pulled off the street and gave an interview for the manager’s position and got the job while you worked for years and they never even talked to you about it, you wonder WHY he got a chance to rap battle another multiple platinum fire spitter in Yours Truly. How? Theories speculate…”
-He has blackmail material on somebody in the front office
-The donuts he brings to meetings slap THAT hard!
-He promised a Marshal, maybe all of them, features on his next Soundcloud mixtape…
“Pfft…how wrong of me. Artist of his caliber puts his hits out on Napster.”
Gary: “Wait, Napster’s still a thing?”
“Look it up! 1999 strong in that site! You might need to download LimeWire!”
“Anyways, let’s delve deeper into our aluminum status singer/song mangler…”
*Skiddishly shakes his head* “Well, frankly, he can at least brag his history is slim. Besides his cup of Shake Shack with Matt, he really hasn’t blown up the charts with his body of work. Dismal losses, never quite there reputation…”
“And of course due to his XXL status ( his wrist size, not the magazine) plenty of opportunities to make simultaneously childish and clever derogatory hip hop names to throw at his, such as…”
-J. Cole-slaw
-Chance the Candy Bar Wrapper
-Way Too Big Sean
-2 Chinz
“Possibilities are ENDLESS! But the real…”
“Dude, you weren’t lying….IT STILL EXISTS! And…wait a minute…did Knox download live versions of himself singing Tom Waits songs on here?”
“Lemme see that…”
Tony stops the promo and spends the next 5 minutes listening. Later…
“Oh good lord, he was dipping into Zepplin during that set! Won’t lie, very bombastic version of Fool in the Rain, but he’s getting a Savtano review when we fight. Anyways*stifling laughter*…back to our meaty MC…”
“I kind of find the vibe he exudes adorable. From the rhymes and his attitude, to his style in the ring and on wax, Crammer Time radiates very big 2000’s energy. Not good emissions either, like listening to Get Rich or Die Trying/playing Tekken Tag and watching Kobe Bryant play basketball good vibes, more like George Bush is President, Steven Seagal making movies with Ja Rule, watching Kwame Brown play basketball cringe vibes.”
“I will give him credit, the rythmes are fun, it is nice hearing somebody sing generic themes and diatribes instead of just speaking them. That’s…something. Hmm. He does do full scale promo, and after facing John Blade it is nice to fight somebody who actually understands the assignment and fills the entire form out. Really, nothing about Cramberry Sauce Walka is particularly bad or good, perhaps with time and polish he can be a force in the game. But, my concern is with the label Thunder Pro Records.”
“Was this the right matchup putting NBA Doughboy, cold after months on the shelf and with a track record of coming up short against a certified mic wrecker, a guy the EXPOSES wack grappers like a nude beach. A guy that walks around with multiple belts like a Men’s Warehouse salesman on the regular? You’re releasing his single the same week I drop? Tsk…”
“He’s gonna keep being a no hit wonder you keep expecting him to share stage time with “killas”. He needs time to develop. But, whatever. He wants to battle rap the best, I’ll give him stage time. Come Fight Night tho…”
Respeck on the culture coming up!
“When you get Ether’d out there in ring by me No Vaseline, don’t tell me you’re sorry Ms. Jackson (I am fo REEAL) cause you acted like Kendrick diving into a swimming pool full of liquor. You were the one sippin’ on your own syrup thinking you could kaiju me. I’m Emimen, you’re MGK, and any chance you have of walking away a winner is already in the same place Tupac and Mac Miller are.”
Gary: “Dude, so wrong going there…”
“Point is, like Shady, if he isn’t kosher out there against me, I’ll beat his ass so bad he’ll switch music genres. You’ll be seeing him in Nashville in a cowboy hat singing ‘bout pickups. I do that to people.”
“So, in conclusion there isn’t anymore I can say about this project that I haven’t raked across burning coals already except this…”
“Frankly, you’re a fraction of the guy I am in the ring with over twice the packaging to carry. You break down just like the small ones.”
“I can’t recommend this album. He’s not rapping about anything I haven’t heard before…”
“And just like most rappers in his genre… he don’t do all that stuff he rhymes about!”
Taking a peek at footage of opponents is a coin flip. At one end, it can be helpful both in determining a strategy in the ring AND receiving insight on the mindset of the person across the ring. Sometimes it’s enlightening, even exciting to see something that challenges you. Motivates you to rise in the morning and elevate your game.
Then, there’s Cram sessions…oi…
Tony had to take his Beats headphones off and wait a few moments for the sensation of a dentist trying to give both his eardrums and love of hip-hop unnecessary root canal surgery. Sometimes watching promos makes one long for 7 mile runs and taking light tube to the face.
“Yeah, that was rough…”
Cameraman Gary’s equally exhausted from that replay session. “Still though, the Notorious M.I.D. is a hoss. Motherchucker weighs like a quarter ton…”
Considering every opponent Tony’s ever fought over 3 bills has lost to him, this factoid makes his day.
“Yeah, that means his gas mileage is just as low as his cred in a ring or booth. Tugboats like him are EASY to sink: poor conditioning, relies on raw strength instead of skill, plenty of tree limb to grab and break…”
“Gary, there’s a reason King Hippo always loses unless you play Punch Out with the controller out if your hands.”
It was good to see Tony in a pleasant mood. The last couple of weeks haven’t been kind. This incident with him trying to find out where his grandfather was wore him out. Tony tried to keep Gary out of this along with the public, which was fine by him. He didn’t need to know details or get entwined in a potentially ugly family situation. But he heard rumblings from the camp about potential legal action this, class action that…
Then after months of reigning supreme as a tag specialist, he lost 4 belts in a single match. 4. In front of his hometown crowd in Atlanta. And he stepped on a LEGO in his hotel room, despite the fact he didn’t bring his kids along for this part of the tour.
It both angered and disturbed him, like the cleaning ladies were building Star War sets in his room. Not the weirdest stuff hotel staff have done in his room, but that conversation has nothing to do with the task at hand, and if you want the uncut version you’ll have to catch it at CULT! Some things need to be told on a TVMA format.
Long story short, it seems things have been getting a bit bumpy for our Two Sport Savior, but as any Mess You Up Messiah can tell you, the righteous path is littered with potholes. Even when things go right they go wrong, and that frustration comes out as Tony’s stirring creamer in his coffee.
“No, I ain’t worried about Cram. Cram doesn’t pack nearly enough Rads to stop me. What worries me is the direction I seem to be going in TPW. Think about it…”
“Split an EPIC series with Larry freakin’ Tact, I got Aaron Warthog. I beat Warthog, now I got Cram. What next after I beat him? Ronson? The Budweiser vendor? Go knock out the arena electrician…”
His eyes bulge in horror: “booked on a Zybala show? Nononono….stop that Anthony! Never that dire! NEVER!”
That urge to panic hyperventilate washes over. All is calm again.
“I thought you and Mike were buddies.”
“Yeah we are, but if wrestling for Mike’s like helping move furniture for him, it’ll get weird and frustrating. Point is, despite my record I’m going backwards right now, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
“Frustrating.” Gary just eats his sandwich and Tony cocks his eyebrow like “really, that’s it?” Gary’s still chewing while he talks.
“What? What you want me to say? I’m a cameraman, not a sports psychologist. So they keep giving you easier and easier opponents? Whatever. Eat those empty calories up and move on. Not every damn fight’s gotta be Ali/Frazier.”
Gary has a point, and Tony feels a bit bad about his self pity party, until he sees what kind of sammich he’s eating.
“You DARED ordered nasty anus chopped salmon and cheese on my dime?! Totally inconsiderate thing to put on my credit card statement. And that bread isn’t even toasted! Soggy white bread. You respect NOTHING, including yourself!”
“Whatever, look…they wanna keep throwing trash at your feet, keep lighting it on fire. Eventually you’ll burn up enough trash bags to give you a promotion. Right now, something lighter on your plate is what you need. No big picture stuff; just go Little Mac on his guts and wait to get booked against Bald Bull next time. Right now we got a promo to plot.”
“Right. Did you get all the required materials necessary to make this operation work?”
“Yup. One yellow flannel shirt and glasses, and one bald cap. Plus we got permission from YouTube to do it and avoid a Copyright claim (YouTubers LIVE them some Copyright infringement claims!)”
“Great. Now we can properly deuce on a rap gimmick the most scathing and career destroying method possible…”
*stares intensely into the camera* “An unflattering YouTube review!”
Spongebob Narrator: 1 hour later…
“Hey everybody, ANTHONY SAVTANO here, the Internet’s punchiest music nerd!”
Yup, apparently Gary makes up for being a boo-boo spiritual advisor with some SHARP makeup skills. Tony’s looking like that goofy mustache having twerp, down to the flannel and that snowblind white shade of skin tone.
“And we’re back with another wrestler review. This week is a project from Florida wrassler/rapper/grimy af Macy’s Thanksgiving parade float Cram, which is by the way the 12th favorite consumable on Fallout. Now Cram came out to considerable fanfare and even received a huge once in a lifetime break against Matt Knox himself and didn’t quite hit the mark. Which, to be fair, is like asking a high school kicker to boot it 60 yards in an NFL playoff game and he hit a crossbar. Okay, not bad considering the circumstances.”
“Then he fought a guy named after a PEARL JAM LYRIC and our favorite MC looked like the only bars he could drop were his candy. Took the L, then vanished off the map…”
“Which is impressive work for a guy that looks and moves like a restaurant banquet freezer.”
“And both the worlds of graps and raps mourned his absence for approximately zero point zero seconds”
“But now he’s back in 2024, and like that one person they pulled off the street and gave an interview for the manager’s position and got the job while you worked for years and they never even talked to you about it, you wonder WHY he got a chance to rap battle another multiple platinum fire spitter in Yours Truly. How? Theories speculate…”
-He has blackmail material on somebody in the front office
-The donuts he brings to meetings slap THAT hard!
-He promised a Marshal, maybe all of them, features on his next Soundcloud mixtape…
“Pfft…how wrong of me. Artist of his caliber puts his hits out on Napster.”
Gary: “Wait, Napster’s still a thing?”
“Look it up! 1999 strong in that site! You might need to download LimeWire!”
“Anyways, let’s delve deeper into our aluminum status singer/song mangler…”
*Skiddishly shakes his head* “Well, frankly, he can at least brag his history is slim. Besides his cup of Shake Shack with Matt, he really hasn’t blown up the charts with his body of work. Dismal losses, never quite there reputation…”
“And of course due to his XXL status ( his wrist size, not the magazine) plenty of opportunities to make simultaneously childish and clever derogatory hip hop names to throw at his, such as…”
-J. Cole-slaw
-Chance the Candy Bar Wrapper
-Way Too Big Sean
-2 Chinz
“Possibilities are ENDLESS! But the real…”
“Dude, you weren’t lying….IT STILL EXISTS! And…wait a minute…did Knox download live versions of himself singing Tom Waits songs on here?”
“Lemme see that…”
Tony stops the promo and spends the next 5 minutes listening. Later…
“Oh good lord, he was dipping into Zepplin during that set! Won’t lie, very bombastic version of Fool in the Rain, but he’s getting a Savtano review when we fight. Anyways*stifling laughter*…back to our meaty MC…”
“I kind of find the vibe he exudes adorable. From the rhymes and his attitude, to his style in the ring and on wax, Crammer Time radiates very big 2000’s energy. Not good emissions either, like listening to Get Rich or Die Trying/playing Tekken Tag and watching Kobe Bryant play basketball good vibes, more like George Bush is President, Steven Seagal making movies with Ja Rule, watching Kwame Brown play basketball cringe vibes.”
“I will give him credit, the rythmes are fun, it is nice hearing somebody sing generic themes and diatribes instead of just speaking them. That’s…something. Hmm. He does do full scale promo, and after facing John Blade it is nice to fight somebody who actually understands the assignment and fills the entire form out. Really, nothing about Cramberry Sauce Walka is particularly bad or good, perhaps with time and polish he can be a force in the game. But, my concern is with the label Thunder Pro Records.”
“Was this the right matchup putting NBA Doughboy, cold after months on the shelf and with a track record of coming up short against a certified mic wrecker, a guy the EXPOSES wack grappers like a nude beach. A guy that walks around with multiple belts like a Men’s Warehouse salesman on the regular? You’re releasing his single the same week I drop? Tsk…”
“He’s gonna keep being a no hit wonder you keep expecting him to share stage time with “killas”. He needs time to develop. But, whatever. He wants to battle rap the best, I’ll give him stage time. Come Fight Night tho…”
Respeck on the culture coming up!
“When you get Ether’d out there in ring by me No Vaseline, don’t tell me you’re sorry Ms. Jackson (I am fo REEAL) cause you acted like Kendrick diving into a swimming pool full of liquor. You were the one sippin’ on your own syrup thinking you could kaiju me. I’m Emimen, you’re MGK, and any chance you have of walking away a winner is already in the same place Tupac and Mac Miller are.”
Gary: “Dude, so wrong going there…”
“Point is, like Shady, if he isn’t kosher out there against me, I’ll beat his ass so bad he’ll switch music genres. You’ll be seeing him in Nashville in a cowboy hat singing ‘bout pickups. I do that to people.”
“So, in conclusion there isn’t anymore I can say about this project that I haven’t raked across burning coals already except this…”
“Frankly, you’re a fraction of the guy I am in the ring with over twice the packaging to carry. You break down just like the small ones.”
“I can’t recommend this album. He’s not rapping about anything I haven’t heard before…”
“And just like most rappers in his genre… he don’t do all that stuff he rhymes about!”
